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Not One Ounce Of Control

Monday, January 27, 2014

This weekend was both an amazing and hard one. On one hand, I had a blast with my castmates and on the other, I was battling my own self loathing.

The Good –
I love my cast. I haven’t loved a cast like this in around 2 or 3 years. The bond and love we have for one another is strong. We respect each other and are almost to the point where we’re a little too comfortable around one another. I feel at home whenever I’m with them and know that what we’re giving to the audience each night is fierce. Usually you walk away with one good friend or even one really nice aquaintance. I’m grateful.

The original director for the show we’re in came to our show and RAVED about us. She was our biggest fan and man were we all star struck. I didn’t get to meet her because I was in my only little gray clouded world and on my way home by the time I realized who the woman was sitting in the 3rd row. It’s what I deserve I suppose. Anyway, one of my castmates told me that she said I was a “powerhouse” and “extremely talented” which made me very happy. I’m proud of our production and I was glad to see that she could see how much we love the work.

The Bad –
I hit my highest weight in over 2 years on Saturday. The number was 230. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. How in the world have I managed to gain 45lbs in a little over 6 months? Doesn’t make any sense. I could not have been eating THAT terribly.

My fiancee BRITT831 suggested me getting a second opinion since my primary care doctor is a fat shamer (story about that some other time). Ever since I had my gallbladder removed, my body has had the hardest time keeping the weight off. I’ve done my fair share of googling and discovered that if I took digestive enzymes, it might help. While they do help me with my lactose intolerance, they do not help my body and the swelling I have in my belly. Obviously, something is going on. This Friday I have an appointment with another doctor who will hopefully help and LISTEN to me which is what I desperately need right now. Even if I have to be at the dang office all day, I will take every test available to me to see if I’m allergic to something in the food that I’m eating (or if my thyroid is going nuts). I haven’t eaten perfectly, but I also haven’t eaten enough or stayed sedentiary enough to gain the amount of weight in my belly that I have. It’s ridiculous and I’m sick of wondering what’s wrong with me.

In addition to the above, I missed an audition opportunity because I didn’t read the dang audition notice carefully enough. Instead of going to the audition location which was 15 minutes away from my house, I went to the actual theatre itself which is around 2 hours away. When I walked up to that theatre and couldn’t get in, I was in so much shock that I stood there for a good 5 minutes before realizing what I had done. Me, Miss Overprepared, didn’t open her eyes and didn’t read what was on the paper. I could have made close to $1000 doing a show I’ve done twice and love. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. By the time I got back home, I had to go straight to my other show. Of course, a couple of my friends were called back the next day and they just couldn’t stop talking about how excited they were. It was torture. I wept and sulked and didn’t give one ounce about it either. I felt (and still do feel) like an absolute moron, a dunce and just about the stupidest person on the planet Earth.

These two events have shown me that no matter how hard I try to prepare and how hard I try to avoid the worst case sceneario life still happens. I’m powerless. I have no control over what happens to me. Perhaps I’m unlucky. Perhaps I have bad karma from past life. I’m not sure of what else to think but despite the lovely, positive things that have happened to me so far, life is stll friggin’ hard. It makes it so hard to get up in the morning, so hard to continue on with life. I slept all day yesterday until it was time to go to the show because I simply didn’t want to deal with life. No, I don’t feel like it’s my typical depression symptoms and yes, I’m taking my anti-depressants like I should. I’m just really angry with myself and my body for going against me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hang in there. I HOPE that this new Dr. will help you. I got so tired of Drs. not listening that when I finally found one who DID and HELPED ME I could have kissed her feet (don't remember, I may have!)

    1507 days ago
    1 plus. 2 minuses. You sound like me -- I get distracted by Life and make mistakes. We both need to focus on what we are accomplishing, forgive ourselves for our screw-ups, and just move on. Easier said than done, of course -- but we are Works In Progress.

    Love you, Friend --
    1507 days ago
    I'm proud of you for venting it all here, and sharing the battle you are in right now.
    I'm so sorry the that things are so frustrating right now.
    I really really hope that you do get that second opinion, as I agree that something seems really off. Especially if you are having belly problems.
    It's important to try to slow the cycle of self loathing though, if it can't be completely stopped right now. Hear my heart as I tell you that I spin myself in the cycle as well (battling with my health problems, eating, shaming myself, feeling my depression grow, rinse repeat). Let the ones who surround you help you through this tough time.

    You are stronger than you realize. You ARE.

    1507 days ago
    Now that you've gotten that out of your system - what are you going to do???? (I say that with Love)

    Your blog started out on such a positive note about the wonderful people in your cast and how well you all have bonded together - something so rare and that you can't put a price on. Then your challenge with your weight - thank goodness you're not settling and you've made decision to be in charge of it. Then I read where you made a mistake (dumb as you put it) by not reading the directions and missed out on an opportunity - 1 opportunity among the many other opportunities you did' NOT miss. (If you want to talk about dumb mistakes, pull up a chair - I have a list !!!!)

    It is your last paragraph that gave me pause because even though I don't know you personally, I know in my spirit that you're better than that. You were having a moment (everyone is allowed to have one), but that moment, that dumb mistake, that whatever, does NOT define who you are really are - a fearfully and wonderfully made talented child of God.

    Yes, life does happen, but you are NOT powerless. You may not be able to control every situation that happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. You can take the "I may have lost this battle, but I'll certainly win the war" attitude, or you can pass your talent, charisma, friendships, etc. to someone that wish they had what you have and comes so naturally to you. Your greatest rewards come by way of your greatest challenges - and that's what life is - full of challenges, and you do not have God's permission (or mine) to give up and throw in the towel. There are people waiting to see this "powerhouse" on stage - who are you to disappoint us !

    Okay, I think I'm through - LOL!! It happened, it's over, you'll not make the same mistake again. And so I end the same way I started - Now what are you going to do???

    emoticon (I got your back !!)
    1508 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1508 days ago
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