Monday, January 27, 2014
Iv been really down today and no real trigger. I watched the new Sherlock Holmes last night and adored it. I really think I am in love with the Sherlock character, and dreamed a steamy dream about him. So much so that when I woke up to my sad sad reality of a love life this morning, I just broke down in tears. No I'm not single and alone, Iv been married for nearly 13 years and we have no physical relationship, or much companionship really. Hes depressed and drinks. I'm depressed and dont drink as I entered recovery before we started dating, but I use food as my drug. Its there for me when I'm happy, or when I'm sad. Or when I dont want to feel anything (which is most of the time).
Yes relationship counseling would be in order. Been there, tired of it. Yes perhaps we should split up, did I mention he is a controlling sociopath and would basically make my life miserable and try to keep my daughter from me? No I dont know that for sure, but he has threatened in the past. It must be a life stage thing, I just turned 40 and cannot imaging myself in the situation for the next ten years or even 1 year. I get to this point about 2-3 times a year. Just when I think I'm over it and have made up my mind that in '6months' or after the next big family event (ie vacation, holiday ect) I will end it, things get better and then I figure its not that bad-until the next phase comes round. My daughter will be grown in a few years and when she is not there I will have no reason to be with him. This sick twisted relationship really makes it hard to get healthy physically, since I am so emotionally ill.
So just had a cinnamon roll at work, though I didnt plan to. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sorry to be such a downer, I know the blogs are where we are supposed to be 'positive'. I really really want to believe me. Some days I can be. But this is not one of those day. This is not something I can talk to anyone about right now without crying, or really even think about without crying. Must be ovulating or something.
Whats really sad is that I look forward to Monday so much! I feel like the best part of my day is clocking in at work on time! I feel like its is the only place I realy feel happy or have some control over my life. At least I love my job, because if my job sucked I dont think I could bear to breathe.