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Monday, January 27, 2014

Iv been really down today and no real trigger. I watched the new Sherlock Holmes last night and adored it. I really think I am in love with the Sherlock character, and dreamed a steamy dream about him. So much so that when I woke up to my sad sad reality of a love life this morning, I just broke down in tears. No I'm not single and alone, Iv been married for nearly 13 years and we have no physical relationship, or much companionship really. Hes depressed and drinks. I'm depressed and dont drink as I entered recovery before we started dating, but I use food as my drug. Its there for me when I'm happy, or when I'm sad. Or when I dont want to feel anything (which is most of the time).

Yes relationship counseling would be in order. Been there, tired of it. Yes perhaps we should split up, did I mention he is a controlling sociopath and would basically make my life miserable and try to keep my daughter from me? No I dont know that for sure, but he has threatened in the past. It must be a life stage thing, I just turned 40 and cannot imaging myself in the situation for the next ten years or even 1 year. I get to this point about 2-3 times a year. Just when I think I'm over it and have made up my mind that in '6months' or after the next big family event (ie vacation, holiday ect) I will end it, things get better and then I figure its not that bad-until the next phase comes round. My daughter will be grown in a few years and when she is not there I will have no reason to be with him. This sick twisted relationship really makes it hard to get healthy physically, since I am so emotionally ill.

So just had a cinnamon roll at work, though I didnt plan to. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sorry to be such a downer, I know the blogs are where we are supposed to be 'positive'. I really really want to believe me. Some days I can be. But this is not one of those day. This is not something I can talk to anyone about right now without crying, or really even think about without crying. Must be ovulating or something.

Whats really sad is that I look forward to Monday so much! I feel like the best part of my day is clocking in at work on time! I feel like its is the only place I realy feel happy or have some control over my life. At least I love my job, because if my job sucked I dont think I could bear to breathe.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSGRANNYMAE 2/3/2014 6:37PM

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2HAMSDIET 2/1/2014 9:01PM

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STRONGMOMMA2014 1/28/2014 7:38AM

    I won't get on a soap box and tell you what to do - but I am a firm believer that you have the right to happiness. If you have this much sadness maybe it is time to make a change of some sort at home? It has to be your decision though, of course.

You don't have to be positive in blogs...at all. It is your space to vent about whatever you need to vent about. So don't be sorry!

Healthy is much more than working out, eating right and so on....it is full body mind and spirit...I think you are on to something with your thought that you are struggling with the physical wellness due to your spiritual wellness. If your husband isn't interested in counseling, maybe you can go on your own and see what you can work on?

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.

*hugs*

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FEARLESSNOW 1/27/2014 10:21PM

    Oh gosh...I'm sorry things aren't working out. This may not be what you want to hear, but you and your husband are currently showing your daughter what a marriage looks like. Children who grow up in families with dysfunctional marriages, often marry into the same type of relationship because that is what they know. In other words, some of us "marry our fathers"--or men like them.

Perhaps you could find a good lawyer and get custody of your daughter. Best of luck.

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CHERYL_ANNE 1/27/2014 6:19PM

    emoticon to you!

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FITNHEALTHYKAL 1/27/2014 4:29PM

    You are absolutely not alone and putting it out there and realizing this HAS to help a bit or at least I hope so. our friend LilMissRed is right; you both deserve - ALL deserve to be safe, healthy and happy. emoticon

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CIPHER1971 1/27/2014 4:16PM

    Blogs are where we express ourselves, you should be true to yourself not to how you think others think you should be, because here you can be you through and through.

I could draw so many parallels between what you are going through and my own life, and if there are 2 of us with depressed partners who drink and are a burden then there are many more. You are not alone.

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LILMISSRED79 1/27/2014 3:37PM

    I'm so sorry, Daphne. Nobody should have to go through life like that. I wonder if there is some way to prove that he has alcohol issues as a means of ensuring that he wouldn't be able to get custody of your daughter? You both deserve to be happy, healthy ladies.

Blogs don't have to be happy, and if this is the one safe place you have to talk about it all, then do it. You have to get it all out there somehow.

I'm glad that your job is going well and that it gives you a chance to breathe and mantain your sanity.

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