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Breakdown - trying to stay positive

Monday, January 27, 2014

I've had a really strange week. I don't know if it's just PMS, or something, but I always get really negative and moody right around ovulation time. So much hinges on that one day a month and it seriously stresses me out. I hate this.

Over the last few days, I've seen more and more baby announcements and pictures on Facebook than I've wanted to see. I left Facebook for a reason, and I've regretted coming back on a daily basis. First it started with people messaging me if everything is ok and how is the baby-making effort going (these are people that I know from a group of about 100 women that bonded on an online forum a few years back when we were all miscarrying. I'm one of 4 women left who haven't had a baby yet. Some have even had a second or pregnant with a second). So there was that.

Then, a few baby announcements and pregnancy announcements came this week. Not that I was surprised and not that people don't have a right to have babies. Just because I'm battling infertility, doesn't mean the world stops spinning.

I thought I was doing well with the therapy and everything, but these last few days have thrown me for a loop. I've had big, breakdown crying sessions daily. I want to be happy and I am happy for other people, I just don't understand what I've done so wrong in my life that I deserve to have to struggle this much. It has been 2.5 years since my first miscarriage, with two more following since. Would somebody please tell me what I've done to deserve this? Why can't I be that person who so positively decides to start a family and 10 months later welcomes a bundle of joy? Why? Why me?

So. I've done a good job of tracking my food this past week. But my head has definitely been elsewhere. A client (turned friend) of mine just had her baby. I think she is about 42. They tried for 10+ years. Finally got their baby with IVF when they realized they better get on it since it wasn't happening naturally. I was very emotional about the birth - not in a bad way...more in a positive, this gives me hope, kind of way - but of course, the feelings of doubt always creep in and I become negative: IVF won't work for me. This will never happen for me. Also, I don't WANT to be THAT person who suffers for 10+ years. I already feel like I've been suffering for the last 4+ years we've been trying. I think this birth last Monday triggered this sinking feeling again. For a while, I felt like I was keeping my head above water. It just set something off in me that I guess will never really go away.

Beck-wise, I've been doing ok. I tried this little experiment of spending more time focusing on one task before moving on to the next. Well, I have to admit, it has also made me feel like I've lost touch with what I'm trying to do. I wonder if I'm just going to have to go from one "streak" to the next. I was streaking with Beck and felt very focused, now I feel unfocused. So I'm going to pick up the daily task and blogging again. When these 6 weeks are over, I'll either have to start over again or find another daily program to follow. I like these short programs.

I usually work on Mondays, but I took the day I've got three days off now. Tomorrow it's supposed to be almost 50 during the day, so I want to spend tomorrow working outside (my house and yard are starting to look the like the rest of the trashy houses in my neighborhood). I'll also repeat a deep clean on the inside. I find myself quite enjoying getting my house super clean!

Hope everyone has a good week!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So sorry all of this is happening right now - and yes, the hormones make it the emotions worse. (Try some vitamin B6, it does wonders.)

    You don't deserve this struggle - it just happens, for no reason - and you just plow through as best you can. Life isn't fair - and sometimes it downright sucks.

    Lots of hugs to you!!!!!
    944 days ago
  • v -LINDA_S
    emoticon I hope you feel better soon and that your miracle happens. The winter can be hard on emotions. You'll get through it.
    944 days ago
  • v _RAMONA
    Aw... Beautiful! It's so hard, isn't it? For years I just could not understand why God would give me the heart of a mother, and not give me a baby.

    I still have no answers, but my baby girl was born when I was 43... and came to my arms via a miracle adoption (we took her home 8 hours old and I breastfed)... nine months after I lost a miracle pregnancy (at the exact same time that 3 new babies were born into our family... my baby's cousins who I had imagined growing up like siblings). I pray for you just enough miracles.

    Life is such a tangled mystery.

    I think that you are doing marvelously well despite your circumstances. If you're up to it, I'd encourage you to listen to some of the PaleoCon talks I'll be linking to from my blog, especially today's by Ben Greenfield (good info about preparing the body for preganancy), and Dr. Dan Kalish (!), and then Stefani Ruper (how to deal with infertility problems).

    There is no doubt in my mind that had I known what I have learned in the last two years when I was a younger woman, that I would have had the five children I desperately wanted. These talks only confirm it.

    Sparkmail me if you want to discuss this. Treat yourself well and gently today... and every day (even if that means you need). When your baby arrives, you need to be well to be the mother you want to be!

    944 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/28/2014 3:25:11 PM

    I became a mom at 39 and wouldn't have had it any other way. Your time will come. In the meantime just keep working at making your body as healthy as you can possibly make it.
    945 days ago
    I swear I heard about 6 pregnancies in the past week as well. I can't help but feel pissed off. One girl at my gym has an 11 months old and is 4 months pregnant....really?? really?? I am sorry you are having a rough week. Hopefully after O passes life can resume to normal again.
    945 days ago
    sending lots of hugs!!!! housecleaning and some fresh air always makes me feel good. enjoy your days off! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    945 days ago
    I'm hoping that you are just a late bloomer and that you will have a baby. I was 32 when I had my son and I'm glad I was that I wasn't younger. You are going to make a wonderful mother and I'm totally convinced that you will be a mother. I think that if you would convince yourself of it. it would eliminate some of your stress. One way or another it will happen. The only thing you don't know is the timing. emoticon
    945 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/27/2014 1:54:51 PM
    945 days ago
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