Breakdown - trying to stay positive
Monday, January 27, 2014
I've had a really strange week. I don't know if it's just PMS, or something, but I always get really negative and moody right around ovulation time. So much hinges on that one day a month and it seriously stresses me out. I hate this.
Over the last few days, I've seen more and more baby announcements and pictures on Facebook than I've wanted to see. I left Facebook for a reason, and I've regretted coming back on a daily basis. First it started with people messaging me if everything is ok and how is the baby-making effort going (these are people that I know from a group of about 100 women that bonded on an online forum a few years back when we were all miscarrying. I'm one of 4 women left who haven't had a baby yet. Some have even had a second or pregnant with a second). So there was that.
Then, a few baby announcements and pregnancy announcements came this week. Not that I was surprised and not that people don't have a right to have babies. Just because I'm battling infertility, doesn't mean the world stops spinning.
I thought I was doing well with the therapy and everything, but these last few days have thrown me for a loop. I've had big, breakdown crying sessions daily. I want to be happy and I am happy for other people, I just don't understand what I've done so wrong in my life that I deserve to have to struggle this much. It has been 2.5 years since my first miscarriage, with two more following since. Would somebody please tell me what I've done to deserve this? Why can't I be that person who so positively decides to start a family and 10 months later welcomes a bundle of joy? Why? Why me?
So. I've done a good job of tracking my food this past week. But my head has definitely been elsewhere. A client (turned friend) of mine just had her baby. I think she is about 42. They tried for 10+ years. Finally got their baby with IVF when they realized they better get on it since it wasn't happening naturally. I was very emotional about the birth - not in a bad way...more in a positive, this gives me hope, kind of way - but of course, the feelings of doubt always creep in and I become negative: IVF won't work for me. This will never happen for me. Also, I don't WANT to be THAT person who suffers for 10+ years. I already feel like I've been suffering for the last 4+ years we've been trying. I think this birth last Monday triggered this sinking feeling again. For a while, I felt like I was keeping my head above water. It just set something off in me that I guess will never really go away.
Beck-wise, I've been doing ok. I tried this little experiment of spending more time focusing on one task before moving on to the next. Well, I have to admit, it has also made me feel like I've lost touch with what I'm trying to do. I wonder if I'm just going to have to go from one "streak" to the next. I was streaking with Beck and felt very focused, now I feel unfocused. So I'm going to pick up the daily task and blogging again. When these 6 weeks are over, I'll either have to start over again or find another daily program to follow. I like these short programs.
I usually work on Mondays, but I took the day off...so I've got three days off now. Tomorrow it's supposed to be almost 50 during the day, so I want to spend tomorrow working outside (my house and yard are starting to look the like the rest of the trashy houses in my neighborhood). I'll also repeat a deep clean on the inside. I find myself quite enjoying getting my house super clean!
Hope everyone has a good week!