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A blog?? Really? are we doing this now?

Friday, January 24, 2014

Well, Why not a blog? Maybe I can be interesting enough to articulate my thoughts appropriately.

Today I woke up hating myself. Not anything different. It was probably the normal amount of self loathing that I normally have.

I woke up coughing with a scratch in my throat. Almost 10 years of smoking heavily is starting to take it's toll. I feel old. I reach for my first cigarette of the day while I am still in bed. It tastes horrible. That first smoke of the day is so gross. It tastes like an ashtray and never goes down smooth. The rest for the day will be easier.

I look over at my phone. No real messages, just emails from people on dating sites. From people I am not interested in but I am bored so I keep responding.

I look at the garbage can. I threw up in it last night. I went out drinking last night and I came home and binged on whatever I could find in the fridge. Apparently I threw a whole brick of cheese in the microwave and ate it. Then I threw it up before I went to bed. Not on purpose. I would never make myself vomit on purpose. My room smells like bile and stale smoke. I wish I could say this is a rare occurrence but it isn't. This probably happens 2-3 times a week. I am realizing my quality of life is poor or someone in my age and situation.

I try to get out of bed. I have to do a k-turns of rolls to prop myself up appropriately. I'm rolly-polly. I will never understand how people go from lying down to a standing position gracefully. My bones and joints ache. I make noises that sound similar to a dying moose. I hate mornings. I decide to make a list of stuff I hate about myself for motivation. I find out quickly that I am lazy and rationalize this by saying it is counterproductive. Listing why I hate myself won't accomplish anything.

I make it to the bathroom and get a glimpse in the mirror. OH. MY. GOD! "what the heck is that?!" I think and quickly look away from the mirror.

This is how I start my day everyday and this is why I am on this site.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You want honesty? Throw out all the crap in your house that is binge-worthy. You're one person, don't buy it.I love ice cream but I never buy it because it's like CRACK to me and yes I did work at Baskin-Robbins and STILL love it.

    Buy teeny, tiny cheeses, the red ones encased in wax, they are a beast to microwave.

    Drinking and puking? Defeats the purpose. Drink to have fun, fun doesn't involve puking? If you can't drink to have fun, don't drink.

    Didn't you ever look at a cadaver of a smoker, EWWW, GROSSS! Throw out the cigarettes and slap on the nicotine patch...You will save a boatload of cash at $4 a pack or whatever cancer sticks cost now?

    Low carb doesn't really involve booze so how about you dry out for a while?
    Track what you eat, who said you have to cook elaborate meals? A package of steak, freeze half, stuff for a salad and boom, there you go. Take a salad and dressing to work with you the next day as part of your lunch.

    Willpower is mind over matter. Clearly you have a mind, you are quite capable and have a lot of degrees to prove it, a solid work history and a good job that you love?

    Yet, you are getting your mental butt kicked by Ho-Ho's or Pringles? WTH?

    Plan to win this battle just like you conquered school. Just like you figured out how to be good at your job.

    Dating sites? How can you date when you don't like yourself?

    I'm having trouble with your potential ad: "fat, chain smoking, self loathing, binge drinking but smart as h*ll and TOTALLY AWESOME old soul, almost over the hill 28yo with a knack for wearing ugly plus size clothes, seeks same? "

    You are funny, brutally honest, smart, well written, hard working, capable and probably clean up well. One hundred pounds lighter and you will most likely be fantabulous! 2014 could be the year your life does a 180, the year everything clicks into place, the year you finally conquer your demons. January may have sucked, but there are 10.5 months left to salvage. How about you shoot for losing 8-10 pounds a month this year? Make yourself a priority, don't worry about finding Mr. Wrong or Mr. Ok for now, but not really marriage material?

    Step 1, throw out the crappy food.
    Step 2, go without a drink for the rest of the month.
    Step 3, slap on a Nicotine patch and throw out the cancer sticks

    I'd love to see you succeed, I'll cheer you on from the sidelines. But you gotta pull on your Jersey girl. sailor swearing big girl panties first and make some BIG, SCARY changes to your life to even begin this journey...Are you ready?
    1406 days ago
    Hi! I love your honesty. I love that you ate a block of microwaved cheese. I love that i'm not the only one who has trouble getting out of bed, not because i'm sleepy, but because i'm round.

    Maybe i should write more honestly in my blogs. I totally avoid the truth if i can get away with it.

    Welcome, Jay.
    1419 days ago
    LOL! You seem surprised at the SparkLove!

    I like Speedy's suggestion and I hope you try it. It's as good a start as any.

    I quit smoking in 2001 after about 4 failed attempts (tried every way, shape, and form to kinda quit without actually quitting...), and what finally put me over the top was repeating to myself (until I believed it) "Oh, you're just thinking about that thing you used to do." Repeated that mantra about a brazilian times, until it was actually true.

    1420 days ago
    Wow! People leave comments?! I am shocked and intrigued. You guys are very encouraging and I like the cyber attention for being my candid self.

    Thanks for the love. Also, I may try leaving my smokes outside the bedroom as a start. That seems like as good a place as any. emoticon
    1420 days ago
  • PATTYR81
    Jay, your writing is eloquent and you are obviously very self aware.

    You've found the right place for support!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1420 days ago
    Keep focused for success.
    1421 days ago
  • SPEEDY143
    What a great emoticon blog emoticon

    emoticon it can only get better from here emoticon Really do love your honesty... now what are you going to do about it Jay??? I can call you Jay right emoticon Can I make a suggestion emoticon Move the cigs into another room so you at least have to get up first before you smoke... baby steps... first things first and emoticon to Sparkpeople. YOU are going to love it here.... can't wait to read the blog you write on your 1st SparkVersary emoticon

    Let's get this emoticon started emoticon

    emoticon Linda
    1421 days ago
    1421 days ago
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