Friday, January 24, 2014
Well, Why not a blog? Maybe I can be interesting enough to articulate my thoughts appropriately.
Today I woke up hating myself. Not anything different. It was probably the normal amount of self loathing that I normally have.
I woke up coughing with a scratch in my throat. Almost 10 years of smoking heavily is starting to take it's toll. I feel old. I reach for my first cigarette of the day while I am still in bed. It tastes horrible. That first smoke of the day is so gross. It tastes like an ashtray and never goes down smooth. The rest for the day will be easier.
I look over at my phone. No real messages, just emails from people on dating sites. From people I am not interested in but I am bored so I keep responding.
I look at the garbage can. I threw up in it last night. I went out drinking last night and I came home and binged on whatever I could find in the fridge. Apparently I threw a whole brick of cheese in the microwave and ate it. Then I threw it up before I went to bed. Not on purpose. I would never make myself vomit on purpose. My room smells like bile and stale smoke. I wish I could say this is a rare occurrence but it isn't. This probably happens 2-3 times a week. I am realizing my quality of life is poor or someone in my age and situation.
I try to get out of bed. I have to do a k-turns of rolls to prop myself up appropriately. I'm rolly-polly. I will never understand how people go from lying down to a standing position gracefully. My bones and joints ache. I make noises that sound similar to a dying moose. I hate mornings. I decide to make a list of stuff I hate about myself for motivation. I find out quickly that I am lazy and rationalize this by saying it is counterproductive. Listing why I hate myself won't accomplish anything.
I make it to the bathroom and get a glimpse in the mirror. OH. MY. GOD! "what the heck is that?!" I think and quickly look away from the mirror.
This is how I start my day everyday and this is why I am on this site.