Thursday, January 23, 2014
One feature of the insanity of my addiction to food that I am recovering from is the need to be in control. I try to control my feelings with food. I try to control situations. I am highly trained in certain areas of which I am very proud of. No need to get into them. There have been many times when I felt the need to share my knowledge in an over powering way.
I exercise a lot. Unfortunately, I also eat a lot. I was discussing this with my personal trainer today. We were discussing the subject of a sense of well being that is achieved from exercise and from the consumption of food. He mentioned to me that maybe I should exercise more instead of eating and I explained to him that eating is more enticing because you don't have to work as hard to get the results. And the feelings are much more intense. So intense that while I am in the moment all my inhibitions go right out the window only to truly regret it after the damage is done. As with all other addictions. For instance, when an alcoholic drinks all they think about is that drink then when they are all hung over all they can say is they will never do it again only to go right back to it because of obsessive thoughts about it.
Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences.
I am up to 206 pounds yet I keep eating because all I can think about is the food and the feelings I get from them when I eat them. I get a feeling of euphoria and control. There are many things in my life that are totally out of my control right now. All my life I have manipulated food. It has always been there for me. I have also subjected myself to ultimate agony because of weight issues that I have instilled on myself.
This is the insight that I have pondered on today....
And the saga continues.......