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Time for some _reality_ and _truth_

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Over the last several years I have started and stopped my "journey" to a better be numerous times. I've fallen down, picked myself up and lost myself so many times I've lost count. I've struggled, punished myself, undeservedly rewarded myself, rewarded myself, lost my faith, found it, lost it again, hurt others, hurt myself, embraced my losses and straight mourned instead of learning to deal with them. I've cheated myself and others. I've lied to myself and others. I pretended to be something I'm just not, something I yearn to be, but never put forth the effort to actually be. I destroyed and ended a marriage by not seeking help when I really needed it. I'm hurting my current relationship because of my inner struggle. I've spent countless hours telling myself what a horrible person I must be. That I am a bad, terrible person who disregards not only others, but myself. I do just as much damage to the ones who love me as I do myself. The truth is I'm not those things. I've just made mistakes. I've taken steps off the path laid out before me.. and that's OK. Sometimes getting lost isn't all that bad. I wish I had known that when I was beating myself up over it.

I had to have several relapses and mental break downs and I'm only just now seeing myself for who I am and long to be. It's funny how we aren't just automatically how we intend. That something that should require no effort, takes work. I'm learning not everything is easy. That when I see all the bad things about me and all my mistakes and struggles, someone who loves me shows me all the things I should love about me, that my mistakes are just ways that I am learning and growing. That my flaws are me. I may not be perfect, but I am me and it's ok to struggle and have lapses in judgement, because we can't always think clearly. That if I need to forgive myself and love myself because I am the one who lives inside my head. You think you stop growing once you reach adulthood. You don't. We are always learning and growing as people. How we see things isn't always how others see them.

My "journey" that I've so desperately been trying to climb back onto, never stopped. I'm learning that I can't cling to things that were. It's fine to have memories, but wanting to get back to where I was at points in my past is not reality. I will never be that person or in that place that I was at any point in my past. Just like tomorrow I will have grown a little more. It's also not just about weight loss and getting healthier. It's spirituality, not religion based. It's just me. As a whole. The entire package.

I've never taken the time to love myself, I've always hated and appreciated my appearance. "Such a pretty face." If I had a dime for every time... ugh. If you've ever seen the videos I've done on youtube or the pictures I've taken of myself, I look 180lbs. Not the 340 that I am currently rocking. Which, is significantly less than the 401 I weighed in summer of 2005. I absolutely cannot keep beating myself up over not doing something or doing something wrong or not enough etc.

I have BPD. Ever since I was 10 I remember feeling things so intensely I thought something was wrong with me. I started cutting on Mothers day that year. At 14 I wished I was dead and attempted it several times. At 16 I was pregnant and cared so much about the life inside of me that it kept me from feeling that way as well as keeping me terrified. The entire pregnancy was hidden. At the very end of it, I felt it again. It grew from there and they treated me for PPD. Dealing with a baby is stressful as an adult, it's harder as a child because you also take on extra responsibility and critism that you normally wouldn't. I destroyed that relationship too and it turned into a horror story. I gained the majority of my weight while hiding the pregnancy. I've struggled every day with it since. My daughter is almost 13. With BPD all it takes is one bad thought to spin a web so thick and intricate that I can't recover for several days. It's the worst at night when I lay awake wondering why I bother to continue with my life. If I am THAT miserable, what is the point of living. When I'm in silence and forced to think about everything that I've done. When I can hear myself judging me in my head. Judge. Jury. Executioner. It's hard to want nothing more than to be with someone and have their arms around you and at the exact same moment you hate them and can't stand to be near them. For the dumbest reasons. Nothing in the world should make you want to push someone who cares and loves you so much they'd do anything for you away. That is BPD. When I am happy I am high as a kite. I am floating on clouds and enjoying everything. But then someone will say something or i'll say something and someone will take it the wrong way. I'm done for. I come crashing down so hard I bust through every layer beneath my feet and find myself in hell. It's that easy and that intense. Since I was 10. It can't be treated with medication. Just therapy and sensory type therapy kits. Positivity. Love. Holding me when I want to run away. That's how I've handled everything in my life. It's tough, I run away. I can't do that anymore. This last time, set me in the worst place I think I have ever been mentally. It's taken me these last 5 months just to recover enough to get on my feet again. I think my previous blog posts have shown enough of my ups and downs. Reading through my journals shows the same. It's hard and I'm learning to control myself.

The reality is that I can't go backwards, I can only move forward. I can't keep holding on to things that were and hope they replace the present. Not possible. I am exactly who I am and I can't change -that-, I can only grow and learn to love and appreciate myself in ways that I should. I can't change other people. Just like me, they are who they are. I can accept and love or move around them, but I will always have to deal with the jerks as well as the blessings. No matter how miserable I am capable of feeling, I have love in my life. I have good in my life. I may not have everything I want and sometimes I can barely make ends meet, but I have what I need to support and survive. I am beautiful on the inside even on days that I feel ugly. I am talented. I have a big and overly compassionate heart. I'm not the smartest, but I learn every single day that passes. Whether you have God or some other belief in your life, it's something. It's there. It doesn't matter what it is, but it's inside of you. It's inside of me. Sometimes it's buried deep, but it's always with me.
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