Tuesday, January 21, 2014
and I'm ending up at about `1700 to 1800. Far from 1200 - 1300, where I'd like to land. I'm blogging this because I am pushing myself to be honest here. If I hadn't gone the machine and get M and M's and if I had planned ahead for a large salad or lots of vegetables at dinner, I'd be fine. It's a small binge -- nothing compared with my history. Its about the "younger parts of me" being scared and trying to numb.
Everything is up in the air! I have a painter in and he painting my closest and bathroom - and kitchen. I have packing and sorting all over the place in other rooms. I have a transitional job this year at at work and the staff who is to be my primary support has been out more than half the time. I simply cannot do all I need to be doing. I got my dissolution draft - on its way to my husband's attorney - in the mail from my attorney -- and its a jolt, bringing me to a reality that I remind myself I need but hurts.
It hurts alot. My marriage feels so distant and the good times in it are more distant still. I worked so hard and didn't realize that there were not two of us who were committed to our marriage and to eachother. We were both committed to him.
Wow - I was in denial - for years -- but also I wasn't really healthy enough to see and change it -- which would have meant leaving. In fact, in terms of close relationships, this soon to be ex-husband was the best thing that ever had happened to me until the last few years when I began to get healthier within myself and it seems until he began to progress in his self centeredness.
He lived by pictures of what he felt he needed or wanted. Sometimes we had common pictures - and when our kids were young it worked pretty well, most of the time. He was kind -- within his picture -- but not based on what I said I needed. If my needs/wants were different, they were a challenge to be dealt with -- and he beat me down. And I let him. I was not true to myself.
He looked for the perfect picture. But because there is no such thing, he was on a roller coaster consisting of an expansive mood, followed by depression -- because there is no perfect picture. And its hard to age when you remain so emotionally immature and run away from your problems rather than get honest.
So, I am having these jolts of reality and I must not have entirely learned deep inside that machine candy does not solve the problem.
Self care. Self care. Self care. I so need to take care of myself.
So, tonight I am stopping by a neighbor's home and then I will put all of my clothes back in the closet (a range of sizes), and then go to bed. I will do my best tomorrow.