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WOMANWITHGRIT
30,000-39,999 SparkPoints 31,012
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Over my range of 1200 - 1650 and then there's the rest of my life.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

and I'm ending up at about `1700 to 1800. Far from 1200 - 1300, where I'd like to land. I'm blogging this because I am pushing myself to be honest here. If I hadn't gone the machine and get M and M's and if I had planned ahead for a large salad or lots of vegetables at dinner, I'd be fine. It's a small binge -- nothing compared with my history. Its about the "younger parts of me" being scared and trying to numb.

Everything is up in the air! I have a painter in and he painting my closest and bathroom - and kitchen. I have packing and sorting all over the place in other rooms. I have a transitional job this year at at work and the staff who is to be my primary support has been out more than half the time. I simply cannot do all I need to be doing. I got my dissolution draft - on its way to my husband's attorney - in the mail from my attorney -- and its a jolt, bringing me to a reality that I remind myself I need but hurts.

It hurts alot. My marriage feels so distant and the good times in it are more distant still. I worked so hard and didn't realize that there were not two of us who were committed to our marriage and to eachother. We were both committed to him.

Wow - I was in denial - for years -- but also I wasn't really healthy enough to see and change it -- which would have meant leaving. In fact, in terms of close relationships, this soon to be ex-husband was the best thing that ever had happened to me until the last few years when I began to get healthier within myself and it seems until he began to progress in his self centeredness.

He lived by pictures of what he felt he needed or wanted. Sometimes we had common pictures - and when our kids were young it worked pretty well, most of the time. He was kind -- within his picture -- but not based on what I said I needed. If my needs/wants were different, they were a challenge to be dealt with -- and he beat me down. And I let him. I was not true to myself.

He looked for the perfect picture. But because there is no such thing, he was on a roller coaster consisting of an expansive mood, followed by depression -- because there is no perfect picture. And its hard to age when you remain so emotionally immature and run away from your problems rather than get honest.

So, I am having these jolts of reality and I must not have entirely learned deep inside that machine candy does not solve the problem.

Self care. Self care. Self care. I so need to take care of myself.

So, tonight I am stopping by a neighbor's home and then I will put all of my clothes back in the closet (a range of sizes), and then go to bed. I will do my best tomorrow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 68ANNE
    It IS very hard. You have to forgive yourself, for this and everything else. You must stop thinking that this is your fault. There are things beyond your control and remember the serendipity
    982 days ago
  • PGHP31CK
    Into every stressed life, chocolate will happen.

    You ARE learning! There is so very much that you are processing right now, on so many levels. As you said, this was a smaller indulgence than in the past, and you recognized what you did, and why you did it. That's a non-scale victory in my book.

    Today is a new day. A fresh start. You CAN do this!

    emoticon
    982 days ago
  • LPRUNWALK
    "And its hard to age when you remain so emotionally immature and run away from your problems rather than get honest." A smart analysis, and one I particularly needed to hear today, since I believe I may be vulnerable to this same trap of wanting perfection. You are right -- it does get harder to live with such unrealistic hopes for the 'perfect picture' as we age. If your ex could not break free of this type of thinking, you had to save yourself. You seem to be unfolding beautifully just like the cosmos on your page. Glad I stumbled upon your story. I'll carry it with me today, and will be hoping for easier days as you move through this turbulent phase of your life.

    982 days ago
  • DDOORN
    Keep the healthy self-talk going...you're going to pull through this. You are already re-inventing yourself every day in ways that you may not yet be fully aware. We're here for you and we're pulling for you too!

    Don
    982 days ago
  • NELLJONES
    One day this will all be far, far behind you, and you, too, will wonder where the last 33 years went.
    982 days ago
  • MINILOVER1
    I know that it is very emotionally draining what you are going through but from one who has been there, it will take time but you will make it through and be stronger for it. Take one day at a time and put yourself first for once. If you don't take care of your health, no one is going to do it for you. Good luck and keep your chin up.
    982 days ago
  • HARMONYAGAIN
    This is a journey you are on. It does sound like you are learning from each step.

    M and m's are a comfort of a sort

    I have been there many times
    And I know the comfort I experience from them is not of value towards where I want to get to, yet I can immerse my self in those moments and indulge to the point of over indulgence
    I am trying to learn more on this journey, I hope I can clear my head and understand asclearly as you expressed here emoticon
    982 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    Give yourself plenty of time to get over the ex. It isn't easy but for the best. At some point the pain goes away and you have built a new life, a happier one. More stable one.
    982 days ago
  • HONOURIA
    It's a tough place. A really tough place. It's like somebody threw the marbles of your life up into the air, and all the parts are strewn. Chaos is never very comfortable. It's hard and I am so sorry.
    982 days ago
  • THINFITFEMINIST
    It is an ending and a beginning. Feeling what you are feeling is part of the transition and grief.
    982 days ago
  • EABHA70
    Wow. A brave and beautiful blog entry!
    983 days ago
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