Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I sit here wondering if i'm currently standing still or moving forward. I'm not 100% sure at the moment so I need to work through some things to figure out if i need to change my course of action.
This was..WAS me just a few years ago.
And today this is me...
While it's clear that i've lost weight (nearly 70lbs), i still wonder if i'm just standing still?
Two years ago I started by just walking. I walked a TON of 5ks. Last year i graduated to 10ks and even 2 half marathons. At the end of last year (2013) I even completed walking 60 miles in 3 days for Susan G Komen. But i still feel as though i'm just going through the motions.
So yes... I'm more active and I'm losing weight. BUT what am i doing with the rest of life? That's where i feel as though i'm standing still. I'm not as afraid to try new things now. But i'm not fully putting myself out there...does that make sense?
As an obese woman it was sooooo EASY to hide out. People ignored me. I was treated as though i couldn't be seen. Now i'm being seen. Other runners on the trails yell out that i'm doing a great job...or that it's nice to see me out there again. People that i have ALWAYS seen but have never spoken to me before now compliment me on my weight loss. So i freeze...it scares me a bit to be "seen"...
To be "seen" now means that people notice me. I don't always know how to react to this. I'm still 255 pounds (as of this morning) so i have a long way to go until i'm in a healthy weight but that hasn't stopped the many compliments that i receive.
I put myself out there in terms of my fitness. BUT in terms of my personal life...i'd rather still hide. The weight loss doesn't change the fact that i'm scared of being hurt again. I became so good at guarding myself and i've found that as the weight has come off some of those layers around my heart have also shed...and i'm not too sure i'm happy about it yet.
So i'm moving forward in my physical abilities...but i believe that i'm standing still in my personal life. I'm just not sure in which direction i'd rather go...