Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I have friends who receive dozens of roses. I have never received any bouquets. All I have received are single roses on only 2 occasions. It's a bit humiliating to know that I have never and possibily will never have the chance of being courted romantically!
This is because I'm already middle aged and chronically ill! Who would want me now? When I was 19, there was this guy that was crazy over me but I just couldn't stand him! My instincts about him were proven right when he decided to punish me for not liking him by physically assaulting me!
Why must I only attract the wrong kind of guys. My one and only serious bf was a wonderful guy but is an atheist. He's married to someone else now and lives very far from me. We still keep in touch via skype. In other words, we're still friends.
I would love to be married to a wonderful guy but it seems that my church is full of single women but full of married guys. The single ones are all too young! And they don't want me either because the typical MIL wants the wife to produce grandkids which I can't do, given my condition.
I know I'm whining! But I can't help it! I dread to think of the lonely years ahead of me! What will happen to me when my parents move on, they are not getting any younger and neither am I. The future looks so bleak! What's the point of living!? I keep asking God to take my soul every night but I'm still here! And I don't know why I'm still here. What's the use of me living on when I've outlived my usefulness?