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Shattered.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

My mother passed away.

She started having problems the Sunday before Christmas, but refused to go to the doctor until the day after Christmas. Initially, I was sure she would fine. Then some additional problems cropped up, but I was still sure she would EVENTUALLY be fine. Then more serious problems, and I knew she would need me to care for her, but I was sure she would at least go home...

But bad went to worse, and when the nursing staff said I could stay with her overnight, I could no longer deny that things were grave. In the middle of that night, she reached up, touched my face and told me to let her go... and I knew she knew... and I was helpless to do anything but accept it, and try to be there for her through it.

She died in the hospital January 9 - two weeks after I pressed her to go. I was with her when she took her last breath. The whole family was there. It was painless and peaceful - just as she wanted. But deep inside, I struggle with agonizing self doubt - did I guide her wrong? Was I the best advocate for her I could be? Should I have pushed back against her doctors more - or was I too worried they would think I was out of line? She trusted me to advise her medically, and now she's gone. Is this in any way my fault?

I miss her so much. At the same time, I feel guilt that I could have or should have done something more or something different to save her. And then I feel ashamed that only the most pathetically hopeless egomaniac would feel that way. It's a weird place to be. If I let myself grieve, I come to the conclusion that I'm responsible. And that feeling flows into the feeling that I'm being enormously pompous for thinking I could make any difference in matters of life or death. Either way, I'm an asshole.

All I know is - I am not ready to be without her.


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARBIEE52 1/25/2014 12:02AM

    I am so sorry for your loss..My Mom has been failing in the last year, and I know it will be sad when she goes. Please do not feel bad about things, because I am sure she would never like that you feel that way...
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LIZALOT 1/21/2014 5:15AM

    so very sorry for your loss. you did everything you could, and you did her the greatest service by letting her go at her request. and most importantly, you were there with her when she most needed you.

heartfelt hugs and sympathy from one who had to let both parents go at a very young age.

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STRIVER57 1/20/2014 2:25PM

    read what you wrote again: "I was with her when she took her last breath. The whole family was there. It was painless and peaceful - just as she wanted." I hope my daughter can make sure that my death, when it comes, is like that. you accomplished something really important.

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VIGILANTONE 1/20/2014 10:21AM

    Huge hugs to you. Your story sounds much like my own when my Father passed away in my arms. I remember the horrifying look on my Mother's face when she said "what are we going to do" and my response was "nothing Mom, he's been through enough". I have played that scene over in my mind for 12 years and still feel as if I should of "done something". But it was God's decision, not mine. It was Dad's time to be called home and nothing I could of or would of done would of stopped that. I remember telling a dear friend that "life has come full circle, Dad was there and held me the day I was born and I was there and held him the day he died". And it is the "circle of life". You didn't do or not do anything.....we alone are at the "wheel" of our own lives so to speak. She did things the way she wanted to do them and you were there to support her decisions. Guilt is a tough one to deal with and it just takes time. May God's peace fill your heart and quiet your mind as you go through the grieving process....know she will remain with you forever and will be waiting for you when you too travel "home". Bless you, sending big hugs....
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ROXYZMOM 1/20/2014 9:12AM

    I am so sorry.

You got her to go to the hospital, she wanted to wait until after Christmas. You can only do so much, at the end it is her decision. You respected it.

You may want to think about going to Dr Sam Romirowsky 737-7090 He is near Christiana Hospital and is a grief therapist. I currently know someone who sees him whose husband died, and she wishes she would started going right after she lost him.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 1/20/2014 8:35AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. We are never ready, and sometimes surprisingly so. emoticon emoticon

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TLB1630 1/20/2014 12:39AM

    So...so sorry for your loss emoticon emoticon

With death comes the grieving process and with the grieving process comes the unwanted and unwarranted GUILT! This is hard to swallow but know this is normal. I don't mean to give professional advice, just have had close personal experiences in the loss of both my Mom - 7/10/2001; Father - 5/14/2011 and hubby 4/3/2012...

So I truly feel your pain and want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE emoticon

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NYARAMULA 1/20/2014 12:26AM

    So sorry for your loss. May the Lord give you peace during this trying period. emoticon

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MARILYNROBERT 1/20/2014 12:04AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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USMAWIFE 1/20/2014 12:00AM

    emoticon I had the same feeling with my mother when she got sick

we really did try everything to get her to the doctors and to the hospital. At one point I actually had her in the hospital but the doctor felt she was just dehydrated and after some IV solution sent her home where she contined to decline

hospice actually came in and since she was at that point " of sound mind and body" they would not help us until several days later when she took a fall and things declined. two days before she passed the paramedics were actually here to take her to the hospital and she refused. she passed quietly alone during the night. that eats at me every time I go into her room and it is six years later and still gets to me

you did all you could do and at least you got her medical interventation. it was just her time. emoticon

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