4,000-5,499 SparkPoints 4,035

The Weight of a Bagel

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Today I ate half a bagel as a mid-morning snack. It was after I had already ransacked the peanut brittle tub and the whole time, during the peanut brittle and the bagel I was thinking a series of thoughts:

"What's WRONG with you?"

"You don't have to do this!"

"You know you're going to do this. It's who you are."

"You will always be this heavy. Just surrender."

I am determined to get to the psychological underpinnings of these voices, because I fear that if I don't, any steps toward weight loss will turn out to be temporary. Seriously, how much power can a flippin' BAGEL have? What is SO HARD about just saying "no, thanks, I don't do that anymore."

All I know is that is is REALLY flippin' hard. I've lost 4 pounds but it feels tenuous and fragile; I feel that the addict in me could gain those 4 pounds back OVERNIGHT if let it. Why does it feel like moving toward a healthier lifestyle is like holding back a dam with my own bare hands? That doesn't bode well for the permanency of this whole transition. If it feels like I'm holding back a dam, it's only a matter of time before I collapse and the waters come crashing down.

Am I addicted to the sense of failure? Is my own identity somehow aligned with my (false) thinking that this is harder for me than for ANYONE else in the entire earth? I just don't feel like a skinny person yet. I feel like a fat person who is convinced that skinny people don't eat enough, or that they feel deprived all day, or that they're just different than I am.

I also feel that, even with all the sparkpeople community message boards, I am awfully lonely out here. We don't get points for private messages, but the few private messages I've received (that aren't group emails) have been the MOST uplifting moments of my weight-loss adventure. If you're reading this and if you feel any sense of affinity to what I'm saying, PLEASE add me as a friend! Send me a message!

In the meantime, be well, and remember that if this is really REALLY hard for you, you are NOT alone.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's GREAT that you are identifying that you have an issue. What thought(s) were running through your head right before you went for the bagel? Try and figure that out. It could have been an innocent comment by a family member, a commercial on tv... I know for me sometimes paying bills triggers emotional stuff. (finances are rough).

    I have also found that even though I know what some of my triggers are, I simply have to acknowledge them, and still give myself permission to eat. (I ate like a fiend Wednesday night because I had to take my NCLEX the next day--and my stress level was high). I had already exercised. I was still anxious. I knew the test would be over the next day. And I knew that I needed to not beat myself up. So I said "go ahead and eat!" And, I feel that giving myself that permission allowed me to eat, but not as much as I would have had I remained feeling guilty about it.

    Keep working on the mental. You are doing great! (And move your body. Exercise does help tame some of those emotions--especially the guilt over overeating).
    1521 days ago
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