Sunday, January 19, 2014
Today I ate half a bagel as a mid-morning snack. It was after I had already ransacked the peanut brittle tub and the whole time, during the peanut brittle and the bagel I was thinking a series of thoughts:
"What's WRONG with you?"
"You don't have to do this!"
"You know you're going to do this. It's who you are."
"You will always be this heavy. Just surrender."
I am determined to get to the psychological underpinnings of these voices, because I fear that if I don't, any steps toward weight loss will turn out to be temporary. Seriously, how much power can a flippin' BAGEL have? What is SO HARD about just saying "no, thanks, I don't do that anymore."
All I know is that is is REALLY flippin' hard. I've lost 4 pounds but it feels tenuous and fragile; I feel that the addict in me could gain those 4 pounds back OVERNIGHT if let it. Why does it feel like moving toward a healthier lifestyle is like holding back a dam with my own bare hands? That doesn't bode well for the permanency of this whole transition. If it feels like I'm holding back a dam, it's only a matter of time before I collapse and the waters come crashing down.
Am I addicted to the sense of failure? Is my own identity somehow aligned with my (false) thinking that this is harder for me than for ANYONE else in the entire earth? I just don't feel like a skinny person yet. I feel like a fat person who is convinced that skinny people don't eat enough, or that they feel deprived all day, or that they're just different than I am.
I also feel that, even with all the sparkpeople community message boards, I am awfully lonely out here. We don't get points for private messages, but the few private messages I've received (that aren't group emails) have been the MOST uplifting moments of my weight-loss adventure. If you're reading this and if you feel any sense of affinity to what I'm saying, PLEASE add me as a friend! Send me a message!
In the meantime, be well, and remember that if this is really REALLY hard for you, you are NOT alone.