Last week after one of my major food binges I literally got down on my knees and begged God to help me. I was so upset, angry, disgusted, exhausted and at my wits end. Then came the "chin up" part. I told myself, "Today is a new day". I tell myself that day would be different and I would succeed. Then it starts all over again. I immediately start to obsess about food and how I think I can manipulate it to get it to do what I wanted. Of course this means to lose weight. Again, I started thinking about what to eat, what not to eat, how to eat, when to eat, how much I should exercise. Then comes the obsession about my weight. Then I add the obsession about weighing myself on the scale periodically throughout the day. As usual this lasts maybe two days tops. I will obsess so much about food, my body, weighing myself so much that I get frustrated and just give up. Low and behold it will start all over again. I do most of my eating at night. At the same time (about 7PM) I start in.Then I tell myself that I did good for the day so I can indulge. Each and every bite I obsess about the calorie content and what will do tomorrow to make up for it. While I'm bingeing nothing else matters. I savor every bite. Like the taste of a creamy chocolate bar. I can still remember how good it felt to eat it. It's instant euphoria. Short lived of course. The next day it'll start over again.
So, back to last week when I was wallowing in my sorrows because I failed yet another time I thought about Overeaters Annonymous and the 12 steps. I did alittle surfing on the internet and I came across Overeaters Annonymous. I read a few things on the website and thought I would give the 12 steps a try. I am currently on step one.
We admitted we were powerless over food -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Hmmm.... That pretty much explains me. It's obvious that I am utterly and completely powerless over food.
When I look back at all the times I attemped to manipulate my food intake. It isn't me that is winning it's the food. I allow it to have complete control over my life.
At first I admitted that I am powerless over food but I just couldn't let go of it. Food has always been there for me. The ultimate friend and confident. As a matter of fact this lead to a huge binge! And YADA, YADA, YADA!!!
For today I am still trying to let go of my buddy food. I am doing much better but of course it's going to take awhile for me to progress.
I have also made the decision that I would work on the Christian approach of working the 12 steps. So far I have learned so much.
And the saga continues...........
Thanks for taking the time to read this........