Friday, January 17, 2014
And I can tell thats what I am being right now and I am irritated with myself.
I know I have been gripey lately. Im sorry. But if I dont vent it somewhere it will consume me then I end up making a self destructive mountain out of a mole hill.
my weight has been a roller coaster this week and it is frustrating.
I have a dr appt this evening to check in with dr on depression and ocd.
I hate those.
I miss my man. He left wed morning for work and should have been back tonight but yesterday told me saturday and today saying likely sunday. I dont have kids this weekend and I dont always do ok alone :(
It gives my mind too many options to consider. Im battling with trusting our relationship anyway...and he has given me no reason not to trust him. I know it is me becoming obsessed with irrational worries. I get it. But him being out of town makes it that much harder. I dont know why... he always answers and responds when he can...its not like I worry if he is really working or not... heck he has employees he takes with him. Not only that but should he be doing anything wrong....he doesnt have to go outta town for it...if he wants to do it he will do it when he is home too...but see what I mean...it is like a pure snowball effect. Then I feel like I am grasping for control of these emotions.
I know he is just as frustrated with the longer than expected trip... probably more so since I think he only took one extra set of clothes.
A coworker and lifelong friend threw me under a speeding gigantic bus today...backed up and picked up speed and pancaked me. With my boss of 7 years. With no warning. And actually no validity.
I was supposed to go shopping all day with her tomorrow. Now I dont think she would make it thru that day alive so I need to cancel and here I am worried about hurting her feelings.
im just so annoyed and I have to get a grip on this. I feel out of control of things and its hard to explain... if I am alone all weekend I am concerned this is just going to get worse. Normally I occupy my alone time with errands and house chores but I havent slept in 2 nights bc of bad dreams... so I have been up cleaning.
Thats another thing. I have recurring night terrors. I wake up in a cold sweat with tears and clinched fists... sometimes bruised and cut hands where I have clinched and fought so hard my nails have hurt myself...
These are directly related to a previous situation I was in. I dont have them near as often when he is home.... guess I need to cuddle with the dog more.
I also was the mom that sent her child to daycare in his pjs. With no change of clothes today. He and his buddy spent night at our house last night and wanted to go to daycare (the boys mom runs homecare) in pjs... ok no prob.
Completely forgot buddy's bag and hutsons change of clothes. So now im THAT mom.
I just wanna curl up under my desk and cry. For a LONG time.