Undeserving of Any Success
Friday, January 17, 2014
Well, I lost 1.4 pounds this week. I didn't really try. In fact, I think I consciously and unconsciously sabotaged my efforts. I have been extremely tired this week, both physically and emotionally. My husband started a new job and while I think that will be nice. (The paycheck will be coming in handy since freelance work is so sporatic where payment is concerned.) He was super stressed and nervous this past weekend. He has OCD so the normal worrying about a new job is greatly intensified with him. I try to be supportive, but I don't know how do help him without stirring up additional worries or giving the impression that I don't care. Anyway, we haven't been sleeping well. My caffeine intake has gone through the roof. Partially because I'm trying to stay awake at work, but it burns off so quickly that then I go and get more. (not good, I know...)
I took my son back to the pediatric psychiatrist this week for a medicine check. Things seem to be going okay there. I'm glad that we have finally found something that seems to be helping him. Although it is more than 4 times the cost of the original medicine he was on. (Another good reason why my husband has started working outside the home again.) Since we had to drive an hour to the doctor, I took off a 1/2 a day and we stopped at a few places together. He got to eat at whatever place he wanted, which was McDonalds. I bought a cheap meal although I know it wasn't good for me. When we got home, my youngest saw the trash and was very upset that she didn't get to enjoy it as well. I told her I would spend a special day with her next week. When she calmed down (she did it herself and I was so proud of her!) my husband said that he would buy all the kids a meal from McDonalds so there was another horrible food choice for me again. Then I brought my son lunch yesterday because he was star student this week and since I didn't have a lunch prepared...again another poor lunch decision on my part.
I have just been too worn out to try and put forth any effort to try and eat well. I have been so exhausted and mentally beat that I haven't worked out either. I did get on the treadmill once this week. So, to make a long story longer, I don't feel like I deserve that weight loss of 1.4 pounds. Why? It's gone. It's not even a matter of deserving? When you work hard you earn things. Work at my job, I earn a paycheck. Work at eating healthy and exercising, I earn weight loss.
Anyway, I'm headed to my parents for the weekend to finally celebrate Christmas with them. While I know I probably won't exercise a lot and my food choices won't be the absolute best, they will be better than McDonalds. I also have next week to continue working.
I did finally join Biggest Loser because even though I hate the competition portion of it, it does help to keep me motivated and accountable. (usually...this last week, not) I heard of one girl losing 9 pounds this past week/2 weeks. Immediately my brain starts shooting out defeating messages. Why even try? I hate the feeling of defeat even before I have gotten out of the starting gate. (I'm not saying that losing that much weight is good, it is just the whole idea that she is off to such a huge lead in the game.) I thought I was ready for this round and that maybe this time would be my time to make some actual progress. I need to get my head out of my rear and get in business.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a blessed week!