Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I watched the Biggest Loser today and this week one of the contestants was dealing with feelings of not being good enough. Jillian told her that it was time to tell a new story. I really identified with this contestant because I have wrestled with these feelings all my life. It began with my family. My sisters were always better at things than I was and I could never live up to their expectations of me. Then I was terrible with math. I was always bad at it. It just was a struggle for me. Of course my sisters were much better than I was at this and my father made me feel so inadequate when it came to this subject. It didn't matter that I got good grades in every other subject, this is the one that was focused on. I always had the feeling that nothing I did was ever good enough in their eyes. So, it should not have been any surprise to them that I married a man who reinforced these feelings in me. However, I have changed that tune. Since the beginning of the year I have been giving myself a second chance at things. In the past year I have proven to myself that I could do it. I graduated from college with honors, I lost 25 pounds, I have re-evaluated my life here in Arizona and have come away with some very profound answers about myself.
Part of my search included reading the bible. It has given me answers that I did not know were there. I was never happy with where I was whether it was back home or here in Arizona. I think that had a lot to do with not being happy with myself, as well as, my circumstances. Through a lot of prayer and study, I have discovered that part of my problem is that I have not been happy anywhere and that I needed to find contentment here before I could move on to anything else. So, I have decided to stay in Arizona. I have never engaged in anything in my community whether it was church or social functions. That will change in the future. Yes, I miss my family, but the bottom line is that I am married and where my husband goes I follow. It stated in the bible "a man shall leave his mother and woman shall leave her home." Since I have made this decision, good things have begun to happen. I now have an interview for a job that will pay me more than I have ever made. I just pray that I get this job. I have also decided that I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. Those who judge me on my weight, or how smart I am, or how old I am are just not worth being around. I am worth more than I can even say. I am good enough for me and that is good enough for anyone else.