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    STARDUST2K4   44,842
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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

We've been living with my parents for about a month now. I will definitely say that I struggle with a lot being there. We decided to forgo the storage unit, and we donated a lot of the furniture we had, and will be selling our washer and dryer. The rest can be stored in boxes in my parents' garage. We decided that it was ridiculous to spend money storing items that we obtained for free, or nearly free. It will give us a chance to save some money too.

The whole eating right and exercising thing has been a struggle-like, really bad! I don't even know why this has to be such a mental block for me. I wish it wasn't. I really do. I feel like I can't cook at my parents house. Every time I turn the stove on, they think that it's too high, or that its taking too much energy (as though the energy bill is going to be so expensive or something) and they seem to think that I can cook everything on medium or low-preferably low. It's VERY frustrating. I just don't cook. I have been eating a lot of wheat toast and admittedly, a lot of fast food. Another issue I struggle with is when my mom brings something home, she always says "I don't want to tempt you but...." and I immediately know right then and there that it is going to be a struggle, and often, I give in, and once I do, it seems as though it's all down hill from there. Later on, she'll see me eating something unhealthy, and she'll say "so you're not doing the diet anymore huh?" and I have to say it makes me QUITE upset. She says it in some kind of sing-songy tone as though she knew it was coming, and that she knew I couldn't do it. I don't think she realizes how hurtful it is.

I am trying to limit the time that I'm actually at my parents' house because it is less time to worry about all that, and it gives me more time to just do my homework. I have been doing well with that at least. It's the second week of school, and I'm just glad that I'm still on top of everything. I've also got to find time to do my research for my senior project about organic farming. That will at least be interesting. I'm hoping it will help me see that conventional foods are just bad, and that I will finally be able to release myself from their hold.

I'm going to hit the gym today at school, which will be nice. It's inconvenient to have to lug all my showering stuff-change of clothes, etc, but it's worth it. I'll just have to keep telling myself that in the long run, it will TOTALLY be worth it. That, and I'll totally be mad at myself if I don't do anything at all during all of this downtime.

Last Thursday Adam, my brother, and I went to skyhigh bounce in Tigard. It's basically just a huge warehouse with a bunch of trampolines and stuff. It was SO much fun! I had heard of that place a couple weeks ago, and we finally just decided to go on a whim. I never realized how much of a work out jumping on a trampoline is! Exercise can truly be fun! And seriously, just an hour of doing that, I was sweaty and my core hurt. The next day I was sore. I'm definitely going to go there again. I am also going to make an effort to get out to the slopes this winter for some snowboarding. That's another awesome work out! I just want to have fun while I exercise. Sure, I love running, but the reality is that it gets boring after a while-especially on a treadmill! Music only motivates me so far.

I know the tone of this entry has been kind of negative, but the reality is that in spite of everything that gets to me, things are going quite well. I have extra money to do fun stuff like that, and I have the motivation to do this again. I am a little frustrated that I gained back so much weight, but it could have been more. Not only that, but for as long as I've kept the majority of it off, that's really good! Most people gain back all of their weight and more within the first year of losing it. I can happily say that I didn't do that. In fact, for that, I am PROUD of myself. I don't hate myself. Exercise is NOT punishment. Only through loving myself and being kind to myself will the weight come off.
I'm definitely happy to be living in a house that has a piano. Perhaps that will be a creative outlet as well. I know that I'll survive this. Hell, I might even thrive. It's going to be long enough for me to graduate, and find a job. I can so totally do this. I have a free gym (well, it's taken out of my tuition) as well as the extra money to buy healthy foods. I have to stop eating out fast food, and I have to start asserting myself more. I can do this. In a year, I will wish that i had started NOW. NOW is the time to act!
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RUNNERRACHEL 1/14/2014 1:45PM

    You can do it. Act now on what you can do. Sometimes you cannot control the circumstances but when you can, take control of what you can.

I am sorry that living at your parents is hard. I understand. The patterns from our childhood are not easily broken. I find myself acting differently around my dad sometimes, wanting his approval, not wanting to make him angry. That shouldn't be that way. I am an adult now. Have to speak up, assert myself. It's hard. I know.

I am glad you are doing well in school. You are accomplishing a major goal. You have also kept off, as you said, a lot of the weight you have lost. That is a major accomplishment.

You will get through these challenges. You will emerge stronger.

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