Monday, January 13, 2014
This isn't about weightloss, so if that's what you came for, feel free to close out. I crab about everything here because every emotion tends to lead to food or exercise anyway for me. So why not?
I called my mom today to tell her that my uncle who just lost his wife to brain cancer, has colon cancer himself and having his prostate removed today. He found out about it 3 weeks before my aunt died. We didn't know about this at the funeral. My mom has been finding great comfort in higher powers since my dads passing In july(well much worse, as in putting her money into speaking with them on skype). She is also very against any cancer treatment and into watching videos on youtube about healers. I am very happy she's finding comfort in all of this stuff. But it feels like she is talking about it nonstop and she knows I don't believe in it. She picks fights with me and says "I am just not there yet... I will get there". It feels like when I was in High school growing up Jewish in a small highly religious Christian town. Kids would find out I wasn't religious and befriend me only to try to HELP me. I went a lot of years in school friendless, because of this. Because of that I have always been anti organized religion. I like who I am, you can accept me for it or walk away. Now my mom is pulling the same crap and no matter how many times I say no and we yell and hang up and don't talk for a week. She always forgets and starts up again. I have been wanting to write her an email all day, telling her how emotionally draining it is for me to call her. I hate hurting her feelings, but it's like she puts herself in the situation to have her feelings hurt. I can be nice for so long before it starts hurting my feeling that she wont stop push, push pushing. I wish I knew what to do. She keeps buying all these crazy things that her spirituality groups tells her to buy or stuff she sees online. She's an adult I can't tell her she's being had. Should I just step back and not call? I am really so lost. I love her, I wanna talk to her, I wanna make sure she's ok every few days. But it's painful, I feel so selfish and so self absorbed pushing back against her. I really hate it. I am not sure it's gonna get any better, she was into this before my dad died. But now it's like way more intense. I think my dad was able to tell her to cut the bullcrap and now she has no one to do that. Her friends are following this too. Which is fine, I am happy they have a group and stuff in common. I just bought her an urn on etsy for my dad's ashes, she still has him in a box. This is what makes me so sad and angry, she is buying water purify systems so the government can't poison her and my dad is still in a box.