Wednesday, January 08, 2014
Boy, did I ever have a day that I wanted my magic wand to come along and erase years of abuse and fix my current body into one that I can love and appreciate now.
While not exactly Miss Perky on the best of mornings, this morning I awoke with lower back pain that would not quit. I worked from home yesterday, so I could not take another day at home today. Getting ready for work took about 3 times as long since I was hobbling along. I was late going out the door, so when I arrived to work, I could not park in my normal area and had to park in an adjacent lot.
The pathway was covered with ice and snow. Yikes. I had a near meltdown and hobbled back to the car to grab my cane. I tippy-toed through the slick spots, and got to work. I had numerous meetings and a piled-high workload. I was having an inner dialogue with myself to move off the ledge and try to calm myself. The last meeting was about passing the torch to one of my underlings to handle one of the current parts of my job. I should be able to let it go easily and I acted as if all was hunky dory. I am moving into more of a big picture manager and letting others in my stead do the worker bee stuff. Even when it is good, change is hard.
I am incredibly frustrated tonight. I decided against working out, though I really wanted to be there. I have a doc's appt on Tuesday for blood tests and weigh-in. I know it is only a number, but I am terrified of not losing. I almost pulled over on my way home and drove to the doc's to see if I could weigh in. I am so disappointed in myself for not getting to the gym tonight. I did not want to risk an injury.
Part of me knows I have come a long way. I "can" walk a mile. I am seeing hints of arm definition, I am staying more balanced on my feet. My rings are looser, and when I was dressing in several layers today, I realized I had on a shirt, a sweater, a fleece, and my coat fit over all of that. I am making progress but I want more, more, more.
I know all that stuff. Rome was not built in a day, and I can't expect my improvement will be obvious immediately. The expectations I set for myself are far higher than anyone could set for me. This is frequently one of my downfalls. I am trying to break myself from all or nothing thinking, and for whatever reason, today, it did not seem to be working. I am not throwing in the towel or anything, but if I did, it would have been today.
I am just grumbling to get this out of my system. I am not going to quit, but as my ability to stomp, scream and punch is somewhat limited, this will have to do.