Wednesday, January 08, 2014
I spent a very large part of my life with depression. Not the come and go kind, but the day by day constant companion kind when the world is just a grey, foggy, aching emptiness and time crawls by from one agonizing second to the next. I had everything outwardly. Husband, family, home, my own business - but I felt lost and empty and scared on the inside as if I was at the bottom of a very deep pit.
My life did not change suddenly but very slowly over the last 50 years. I could think of very little to be grateful for at that time and did not feel 'gratitude' at all.
One of the first things that helped was realising and accepting that I did have depression and that if anything was going to change I had to face that fact and stop running away from it with alcohol, sex, food, gambling - all things which gave a fleeting but short lived release, followed
by feeling even worse if that were possible. which ensured that I had to repeat the behaviour.
I started therapy and began to write daily. It was suggested I just sit down and write anything. If I couldn't think of anything then just write that. Thoughts come into our heads all the time
and writing them down where I could see them was the first step. The most important thing is absolutely no censorship. Once I got going I discovered how much pain and rage were all bottled up inside me. I found the courage to realise I hated God if there was one and I was sure I was going to Hell for even thinking it let alone writing down.
This is one of the things, the daily and often nightly writing when I couldn't sleep that began to help change my life. I began to find out who I really was, not who I thought I was, or wanted other people to think I was. I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't - which I found out is quite different from consciously 'acting as if' in order to work into new behaviour patterns.
There was a lot I had to work through before I even began to feel a smidgen of gratitude for anything at all.
We are never alone once we ask for help. I believe that our heartfelt desire for the answer put out there into the Universe, to God, to whatever you personally believe there is, even if you don't believe in anything at all. That desperate desire from within seems to set in motion everything we need for our own particular journey.