I am in a quandry, which is leading me to teary times in my day the last few days. Otherwise I don't feel depressed. It's just one issue (ok, maybe two) that are making me feel out of sorts.
A few months ago I basically stopped helping the 91 year old lady I'd been with for 6 years. I don't miss it. I don't miss her. I was really burned out on the care taking, and know that there is much of that in my future (I imagine) The things that have happened since I quit are the trip we made to Hawaii and I made one to my parents'…both of which were emotionally draining for me.
My MIL had her stroke, and there was Thanksgiving (which didn't go great) and Christmas (which was filled with joy…Leon's birth)
Ever since I heard my daughter was pregnant, I felt negative about the fact that she was having a third baby, because I anticipated she would be demanding my help a lot. I felt this anxiety mostly because after my third baby was born (her, in fact) I went through a postpartum depression and after a year ended up in a psych hospital for a month. She was a premie and tended to be a difficult baby. So I think this anxiety is projected bad feelings from my past.
She had needed me for a couple of weeks straight after her first two were born. It wasn't so hard, but this time I'd be mostly dealing with her easy 3 year old and her challenging 4 year old. He tends to get emotional and angry if you don't talk to him thoroughly about anything you ask him to do. He has strong feelings about what he wants to do. Actually I think he acts like a 2 year old. Doesn't respect authority. We never had trouble with that with our own kids so it is new to me. We handled our kids differently than she and her hubby do. I'm not saying my way was right, but I'm just not used to their approach, even after four years.
So I was trying for 6-7 months to work up the courage and find tactics with him that worked in dealing with him, for me to face this situation. And keeping my January free of obligations so I'd be available to her.
Then, this past week while her hubby started working again (he works in their study as a rep, via phone and computer) and mostly is unavailable to her, I am not helping her. He'll intervene if she needs him with the 4 year old, and he makes lunch. They have it under control and told my husband (she was afraid to tell me in person, worrying how I might take it) that it's just easier if I don't come over. They can control Ajax easier if they are the sole authority for him. I agree with that wholeheartedly. In fact I'd rather not be there having him give me trouble.
I am relieved on one level that I'm not needed, but I am missing holding the baby in his early days. I always love bonding with brand new babies, especially my grands. But I need to accept this. And be very happy for her that she is handling three so well. I am proud of her. Really I am.
So now I believe my tears are ones of missing the baby, feeling un-needed and at a loss for what to do with my time, that for so many months I anticipated would be the most stressful of my year.
I guess I am learning one thing about this…worrying about the future is silly because the thing you worry about may never come to pass.
The task before me now is to figure out what to do with my time. My MIL needs a chance to practice talking every day, but a half hour on the phone is all that is needed there. I can possibly get into a painting or pottery class, but these all begin either today or on February 19, leaving me time yet to deal with. The ones starting today are probably not going to happen for me. And I had also tried to get accepted at the last minute at the college I've recently attended. But no go.
I don't do volunteering well. But maybe if I think of a situation that the volunteering suits me I could apply myself to it.
There's only so many workouts I can do, and so much reading or writing I can do in a day. I only spend a few minutes a day on my art journal.
Ah Me, what to do? I know I'll figure it out. I am taking a breath and looking for the positive. I am saying yes to my emotions and letting them pass through me instead of running to food. I am exercising and keeping positive when I'm not feeling sorry for myself! Haha!
These are symbols of the gamut of emotions I am going through!