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    LUCKYDEW   1,844
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Fear....

Monday, January 06, 2014

So here I am back in the South once again. I must say I am still a bit terrified how people will treat me when they finally realize who or what I am.

I moved from the south 7 years ago. On the account I was thrown through a store glass window when I was standing next to my girlfriend. Breaking my collar bone and some fractures in my hands and legs. The police did not even make a report. Being gay in the south of Mississippi was not very welcoming. And it was already known around town what I was…a “Dyke” a “faggot” a ‘sinner” I knew it was a matter of time before something bad was going to happen….call it a sixth sense I suppose.

So I moved…all the way up to Michigan. Loved it there actually. Met up with my now wife Sheila and life was good. The economy kinda took a crap and well my wife wanted to be back close to her family, so…long story short we moved to Arkansas.

All my life I wanted to have some type of farm. Why I had no idea…no clue where that dream came from. My parents were not the farming type so…where did it come from? Either way I wanted it.

So before we moved to this grand ole state of Arkansas we purchase a ½ acre lot with a mobile home on it. We purchased everything buy phone and online, site unseen. With promises of this or that from the owner of the land. For example him telling us that yes the land is fertile an yes I can raised chickens etc.

We were running out of time in Michigan, so we snapped it up and took off. Not knowing exactly what was in store for us.

We landed in Hot Springs, Arkansas to our new home. I quickly looked in the back of the property to see the land. Instantly I noticed by the crunching sound under my feet that something wasn’t right. I looked down and realized that the whole land was rock, shale to be exact. We were told that the land was cleared as well…only to see nothing but dead trees everywhere. Over 23 dead trees almost ready to fall over.

I sighed…and took a video of my findings. I started to cry a bit knowing that this may not be possible for me. Shaking my head wondering what am I going to do now.

We planned on having this farm to bring in some income, selling at the local farmers market. I having just a disability check and Sheila working part time and going to college full time paying the bills is hard to do.

We could do it however to catch up from the move and just living even more comfortably this has to happen.

My health is not all the great either and I noticed that this will even be more challenging physically then I had hoped for.

But I was also determined to make the best of what we were handed. Becoming more self sustaining helps our pocket book as well as our health. The harder I work at building this, the more healthier I will become and lets not count on the health benefits I would get eating the bounty.

So I decided to build raised beds of course, but how? No money? No tools?

I met a nice family owed business here in town that offered to help me out. Their business was landscaping and they offered all the free pallets I would want. I took that offer and began breaking them down and using the wood again to build the boxes. I also found out that I could get free compost from the city, just had to load it myself. Perfect….

So off I go…slowly from family members and some other people donating some tools I began building and so far things look great. I still have a lot to do of course before the season again, but we will be ready.

Now I know this is going to happen, great right? Yes that is good news however my fear really over powers me at time to the point I want to quit.

What happens if I get into the farmers market and people began buying my produce and they find out what I am? Will the past of the south come against me again?

Will I be shunned or even physically hurt once again? Should I keep my wife and I a secret?

This is not what I want…I do not want to live in fear of who or what I am…I am proud of who I am with.

There are many people every day searching day after day to even gain a bit of what Sheila and I share. So why hide that? Why would I want to?

Fear……

Will I be run out of town, will my business fail, will my dreams be smashed?

I find it hard to over come this fear at times, to the point I want to just quit, I tend to self sabotage myself as Sheila would say….afraid of becoming successful in what I set out to do and suddenly loosing it, that I quit all together when I get so close so success.

So each day is a challenge for me I must say. I tend to take day by day. And I talk to myself and just tell myself enough of this crap…get to moving…

I can not and will not let fear run my life any longer I say….not anymore….

So the Lucky Dew Farm will be….
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEMINI-SKY 6/2/2014 9:13AM

    You Know...I always wondered why God made Mirrors !
Now I know !!!!
emoticon Look At YOU !!!
See Yourself and Be Proud of Who You Are !
Walk down those streets with the confidence you know you have inside.
People will see you Proud and Confident.
Mama always said...People will see you the way you want them to if you act the way you truly are.
Wise Woman !


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MANDYLOVE_76 1/7/2014 10:33AM

    I live in Oklahoma and it's not really that bad. I have more support than I could imagine. My mom lives in Eureka Springs, AR and they are very gay friendly. They have diversity weekend a couple times a year in Eureka Springs.

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JET150 1/7/2014 6:48AM

    I truly hope you have landed in a place where people can let you love who you love and welcome you into the community. And I hope that you can get some satisfaction from your dishonest seller.

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SLEEPERELLA 1/7/2014 1:15AM

    Hey chicky, don't let someone else actions define you! Be brave! Be yourself! I am so sorry about the hurt and pain others have put on you. emoticon
Laura

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JOHNWBROCKSR777 1/6/2014 10:23PM

    You should not have to live in fear...I love my country and the principles on which it was founded. It sounds like you are a hard working person and have goals. I wish you much success in your farm and health.

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WILLIS9301 1/6/2014 9:58PM

    I hate that we live in a world where you even have to worry about this. Everyone should be able to be honest about who they are without fear. I hope your business is successful and you find your new community to be welcoming emoticon

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