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Monday, January 06, 2014

**** Just writing this for me. Nothing to do with weight loss. Just Trying to clear my head ****

Been having a bit of a rocky day, emotionally-speaking.

Root cause: Boy Trouble.

Le sigh.

Having been single for almost 7 years, getting back to dating feels like learning to walk. The first step feels fantastic - "whee !", then I take a few more steps, wobble, inevitably fall on my tush, deliberate the merits of cooperating with gravity by staying put, and finally decide to get up again, because, well, how else am I going to get to the awesome stuff ?

Growing pains are par for the course.

Still ... Ugh emoticon

Can I just skip all the angst and uncertainty and go straight to my soul-mate ? Please ?

Last time I felt this anxious, I went to church to think. At first, my mind was like a satellite entering orbit - all drama and roaring flames. Slowly, as Mass progressed, my mind just cooled down and I was able to think a little bit more clearly.

Today seemed like one of those days. So off to church I went.

In the pews, I had a teeny-tiny epiphany, not about my date, but about myself. I realized that I actually didn't believe God could love me. I've felt this way since childhood. I know right from wrong, and yet, every single day, I've made bad choices when I should have known better. Why would God love someone who does that constantly ?

It also dawned on me that if I couldn't believe that God, the One who loves the whole world, completely, infinitely and unconditionally, could possibly love me, then I really, REALLY didn't have a shot at loving myself then, could I ?

Which gave me a little insight into why I feel such low self-esteem.

I called a friend to talk. Our conversation lit a bright spot : she loves me. My other friends love me. My parents love me too. And if they can love the giant, whiny, emotional basket-case that I am, then it's possible that God loves me too.

The conversation also helped me vocalize things that I hadn't really been able to fully process alone.

(1) Deep down, I feel like I can't be happy until I am Perfect. And by Perfect, I mean this wonderful person who is incredibly smart, zen, charismatic, spreads peace wherever she goes, unfazed by the unexpected, and is loved and well-respected ... The perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend ... The impossible list goes on.

(2) I feel that it is my duty / calling / responsibility / destiny / fate to do something great .... but I have NO clue what that thing is. I feel that it is my duty to choose a path and stick to it, but instead I let everyday things get in the way, because the routine is familiar and comfortable.

Or maybe I'm just wrong about that feeling and need to let it go.

(3) As I get older, I feel guilty for not having figured out my vocation already, and for not taking active steps to do so.

(4) I feel as if I am squandering my potential every single day, because I am afraid to take chances/risks that could help me grow as a person. When things get scary, I retreat into my shell. I let others make decisions for me.

(5) Knowing that I'm getting older makes me feel that I'm running out of time to figure it out, and that the gifts given to me will be passed to someone more deserving.

(6) Most of these anxieties feel self-imposed. It feels as though, instead of being worried about lofty ideals, I should either do something about making them a reality, or stop being miserable about it. Either way, carrying this load around is not productive.

For now, I'm going to bed. Time to turn off the old brain and rest. I'll probably go back to church next week. I might figure out something new.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think probably more people feel this way than what you think, it is part of the figuring out yourself process!

    No one is perfect! Only Jesus was perfect! Our imperfections are what make us so wonderful… it is the moments when we are vulnerable and show a different side of ourselves when we grow the most.
    1398 days ago
    Next time you wonder if God could really love you despite your mistakes, just remember that the father of faith, Abraham, the man whom God made his covenant with and grew a nation out of, pimped out his wife twice to save his own rear-end. This amongst numerous other "what the heck?!" moments in his recorded life. God still loved him and continued to walk alongside him and protect him through all his days. He has infinitely more patience for our stupidity than we'll ever understand. Pretty amazing. :-D
    1409 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    Talking about these issues makes me feel very vulnerable. I realize that most people don't feel this way, and that it might sound nutty.

    It helps me to hear what you have to say. I spend a lot of time "in my head" and letting other people in helps me see things differently.

    Thank you for the compassion, support and perspective. It really helps, and I truly really appreciate it.
    1412 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/6/2014 8:29:06 PM
    emoticon to you. You are on the right track. Growth can be a painful thing, but sometimes when we force ourselves to look inward for our answers, we can emerge with insight and move on.
    So much of what you said sounded so very familiar to me. I spent so many years feeling like I was meant to do something, and wasn't. So many years wondering why I'd "wasted" so much time. As one of the other comments pointed out, maybe you ARE doing what you are meant to be doing right now in this moment. Maybe being the you that you are meant to be doesn't involve drastic change (at least right now) maybe there are ways you can reach out to the community around you, for instance, and share a gift or talent. Maybe even just spread some good will. Instead of thinking of what you are meant to do that you aren't, consider looking around each day for "little" things you can do that would make a difference to someone. Seek those opportunities to spread joy in the world.
    I do know that God does love you unconditionally and that He wants you to love yourself. You are precious and beautiful.
    Looking for answers to some of those things you were able to vocalize may be helpful, but there were also times I had to give up on looking for the "why" because it was too elusive and I had to resolve to not worry about the "why" but what I could do right now in this moment to change my thinking.
    You can do this. You will get through this and emerge confident, peaceful, and content. You WILL make a difference.

    1412 days ago
  • MSHEL7
    Maybe where you have been placed is going to be the something great that you are supposed to do. I think that sometimes our view of something great and God's view of something great are 2 different things. You may very well be doing just what He wants you to do right where you are, it may be something great and you may never see it until the end of time. Don't lose heart.
    1412 days ago
  • ABAKER34
    It come to you, a little at a time, you've grown so much already emoticon
    1412 days ago
    1412 days ago
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