**** Just writing this for me. Nothing to do with weight loss. Just Trying to clear my head ****
Been having a bit of a rocky day, emotionally-speaking.
Root cause: Boy Trouble.
Having been single for almost 7 years, getting back to dating feels like learning to walk. The first step feels fantastic - "whee !", then I take a few more steps, wobble, inevitably fall on my tush, deliberate the merits of cooperating with gravity by staying put, and finally decide to get up again, because, well, how else am I going to get to the awesome stuff ?
Growing pains are par for the course.
Still ... Ugh
Can I just skip all the angst and uncertainty and go straight to my soul-mate ? Please ?
Last time I felt this anxious, I went to church to think. At first, my mind was like a satellite entering orbit - all drama and roaring flames. Slowly, as Mass progressed, my mind just cooled down and I was able to think a little bit more clearly.
Today seemed like one of those days. So off to church I went.
In the pews, I had a teeny-tiny epiphany, not about my date, but about myself. I realized that I actually didn't believe God could love me. I've felt this way since childhood. I know right from wrong, and yet, every single day, I've made bad choices when I should have known better. Why would God love someone who does that constantly ?
It also dawned on me that if I couldn't believe that God, the One who loves the whole world, completely, infinitely and unconditionally, could possibly love me, then I really, REALLY didn't have a shot at loving myself then, could I ?
Which gave me a little insight into why I feel such low self-esteem.
I called a friend to talk. Our conversation lit a bright spot : she loves me. My other friends love me. My parents love me too. And if they can love the giant, whiny, emotional basket-case that I am, then it's possible that God loves me too.
The conversation also helped me vocalize things that I hadn't really been able to fully process alone.
(1) Deep down, I feel like I can't be happy until I am Perfect. And by Perfect, I mean this wonderful person who is incredibly smart, zen, charismatic, spreads peace wherever she goes, unfazed by the unexpected, and is loved and well-respected ... The perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend ... The impossible list goes on.
(2) I feel that it is my duty / calling / responsibility / destiny / fate to do something great .... but I have NO clue what that thing is. I feel that it is my duty to choose a path and stick to it, but instead I let everyday things get in the way, because the routine is familiar and comfortable.
Or maybe I'm just wrong about that feeling and need to let it go.
(3) As I get older, I feel guilty for not having figured out my vocation already, and for not taking active steps to do so.
(4) I feel as if I am squandering my potential every single day, because I am afraid to take chances/risks that could help me grow as a person. When things get scary, I retreat into my shell. I let others make decisions for me.
(5) Knowing that I'm getting older makes me feel that I'm running out of time to figure it out, and that the gifts given to me will be passed to someone more deserving.
(6) Most of these anxieties feel self-imposed. It feels as though, instead of being worried about lofty ideals, I should either do something about making them a reality, or stop being miserable about it. Either way, carrying this load around is not productive.
For now, I'm going to bed. Time to turn off the old brain and rest. I'll probably go back to church next week. I might figure out something new.