I've been in a self-pity shame spiral lately, and I'm getting sick of it. I posted in November about working on making better choices. Unfortunately, I didn't work very hard at it. Instead, I chose to sit around, eat a bunch of crap, drink too much, and complain about how awful I look and feel. I have not been making good choices, for the most part.
I woke up in the middle of the night last week with a random pain in my abdomen, probably because of the position I was sleeping in. Being half-asleep, I wasn't thinking very logically and I immediately thought about an old episode of Grey's Anatomy where a young woman goes to the hospital for abdominal pain and ends up finding out she has a huge cancerous cervical tumor. I couldn't get back to sleep, worrying about cervical cancer. Then I realized how idiotic I was being, getting all worked up about the remote possibility of having cancer when I have been doing as little as possible to take care of my body. At the rate I'm going, I am going to wind up with type 2 diabetes or heart disease, all because I have refused to take care of myself.
My choices are going to either help me, or kill me.
I have been very, very frustrated about how hard it is to lose weight. A year or so ago, when I was working diligently on eating well, drinking water, and exercising, I was able to lose about 8 pounds. I felt good about the 8 pounds, but I also felt frustrated, because I lose so slowly. I know that weight loss is individual, and everybody loses at different rates, and that it is not good to compare myself to others, but it is SO FRUSTRATING when you work and work and you don't even make it to the 10 pound mark.
Yes, I gave up too soon. I know that. And now I am at my all-time highest weight. Now I have to lose that 8 pounds all over again, and then some. But now I am looking at healthy habits in a different light: regardless of how much I lose and how slowly it comes off, I absolutely have to change my habits or I am going to end up sick. I do NOT want to end up with a disease or a disability that would have been preventable if I had just made better choices.
I joined SP in March 2012 and it has taken me almost 2 years to get to this point. Maybe I sound discouraged, but I actually feel empowered. I am Sparking myself to get off my @$$ and take charge of my health and my future.
I did 30 minutes of exercise today and afterward, I felt great! I will probably be sore tomorrow. That's okay. Tomorrow I will do 10 minutes, which may or may not turn into 30. I will commit to 10, and that will be my positive effort toward changing my habits.