I was just about to turn my computer off and get another cup of coffee (since it is 6 am and I have been awake since 5 am) when I wanted to mention Calmness.
I was super duper worried about starting my new job yesterday - for you see, we are in blizzard mode here on LI and I now have to commute 20 minutes, and I have no key for the building I am going in to, and I don't know where I can eat, or if I can get anything quick to eat if I am late, or if I should wear boots to work and bring a change of shoes, and what if the facility closes - am I in the loop? - do I look nice enough - should I layer up because is the place a hot or cold environment; is my boss going to be there when I am, who do I check in with if he is not; did I make the right decision to leave my previous field, are the kids going to be ok with me getting home at 6pm everyday instead of the stupid flextimes, will they understand the whole 9-5 thing, wil they miss me - will I be missing things too much - can I handle the change myself?
These were my worries and fears I was vocalizing - because I needed to vent them out and I thought talking would keep the family on the same page.....and then I got yelled at by my husband at dinner for going on and on about my worrying (he never yells btw - so I knew I had pushed him over his limit of my worrying) - - - - - Don't be mad at him here either people. It takes a lot for him to raise his voice and if you knew what this gem of a guy does every single day, trust me, I realize that I was totally losing my mind and venting aloud tooooo much at this point.
In hidesight - I probably should have blogged it all out when I started feeling anxious - but I had a stomach bug for a whole week, and that wasn't helping anything out either...I was worried I was going to be heading to work, in a blizzard, wearing Depends!
Anyway - instead of self defense/knee jerk reaction of yelling back....I got up and left the table.
I went and I took a well needed shower.
I shaved my legs.
I washed my face and scrubbed all the dry skin off of my body.
I thought about what he said about worrying.
And then..... I stopped.
There is an two word meaning of life phrase I just read "RESIST NOTHING" and it was attached to a little internet card of wisdom basically stating that if you open yourself up to things as they unfold - you will learn and be open to new things.
This little gem of philosophy has been bopping around in my head for daaaaays.
In other words: GO with the FLOW.
I tend not to when I am worried. In fact, I get more worried, high strung, cannot sleep, etc. etc. and things always kinda go the way they unfold - no matter how hard I try to control them to fit my pseudo-anal retentive behavior. The one thing I don't do now is eat...which, with that outlet gone...what do you do? and I am sure as heck not in an exercise phase right now...and I haven't talked to or hung out with friends lately because of the holidays and illness...so I bottle it up in anxiety ridden self-inflicted nonsense!
Heck: my new boss texted me after I got the job and said two words: Breathe....relax.
My after shower calmness was weird - was necessary - was me tackling a self-inflicted problem head on with a change in thinking.
Do whatever you can to prep - as best as you can.
You will get where you need to go...and when you get there... you go with the flow.
I was never ever ever worried about actually doing this job. That I know I can do.
I was never ever ever worried about meeting new people. That I know I can do.
I was never ever ever worried about fitting in. That I know I can do. (and if I don't - I know I can fit-out and stand on my own 2 feet just fine - in fact, fitting-out is more appealing to me).
I was worried about "the future"...and the future is something I have no tactile control over - never had, never will. But my own actions are what will dictate the present at hand...and that, my friends, was what I was not handling very well... and in being a nutjob, I was actually MISSING the present at hand.
I don't have 3 part time jobs anymore. I have 1 full time job with my own little thing on the side...that I can give up if I want to or need to. THAT is CALMing in and of itself.
It took finally going to work to make me see that I am part of a new thing. That my contributions will be mattering somewhere new. Again....CALMing.
AND I am not responsible for the end all/be all at this place either. Not one iota. That is a new thing for me to grasp. Again....CALMing.
I am going to try and ride this wave of calmness into the next few days with my family and kids and hopefully into the next few weeks of training...to go with the flow and have some fun with it even.
Maybe that feeling of calmness was overdue the long hot shower was just what the doctor ordered....but it's a difficult thing, as the old phrase goes, to "doctor, heal thyself."