Thursday, January 02, 2014
My heart aches with the loss of my Dear Gramma. She passed away in April and I just cannot move on. My heart still feels like it is breaking. I literally cannot think of her without crying. Yesterday and today, I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my daughter (The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and Return of the King). Tonight we watched Return of the King. I've watched these movies so many times and never get tired of them. Tonight, at the end of the movie, I heard Frodo say something I've heard him say so many times...only tonight I really HEARD it for the first time:
"How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. Bilbo once told me his part in this tale would end... that each of us must come and go in the telling. Bilbo's story was now over. There would be no more journeys for him... save one. My dear Sam. You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on."
I cried and cried, quietly in my chair. And again, my heart broke into a million pieces. How do I go on... How do I be one and whole for many years... How can I enjoy and be and do... How does my part in this story go on... How am I to do any of this without her? We were soulmates. There is a line in the story Wuthering Heights: "I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul." Yes, I can (and do) put one foot in front of the other and go on about my days...but I don't feel like I am really LIVING. When she died, part of me died with her. An enormous part. After I give all that I can to my family, and to my job, and to my pets...after all that...nothing is left. I don't have an ounce of anything left to give to me.