Wednesday, January 01, 2014
Well it's safe to say that my world was pretty much turned upside down when I lost my Mark.... it has left a gaping emptiness that I was looking to fill in all the wrong ways. I knew better. But I am going to give myself a bit of grace here, knowing that it's time to stop and turn things back around.
We knew he was sick, we knew the cancer was back and I had some dreadful feelings about this third reoccurrence, but I could never had imagined that he would go downhill so quickly. I am so thankful for the many moments we had, even on the worst days. Up to his final moments he still found ways to let me know he loved me, he was thankful I was there to walk thru this with him. Even when he wasn't able to speak. For all that I am so very very thankful.
All that said... I also know that as I got with the program last summer, he was so proud of me for finally doing something to take care of myself. He was my greatest encourager, my biggest fan. I know he would be so disappointed if I just gave up now... so I am starting again today... it's time to stop hiding, to stop wandering around as if there is no real purpose or direction in my life anymore... it's time for me to start living again.. it's what he would have wanted. I will do this not only for myself, but to honor him.
It's not going to be easy..... all the good changes I'd made into habits went out the window in November.... Today I begin again at square one. Baby steps. Water.. 64 oz minimum a day. Food.. in the tracker, no matter what it is or how ugly it gets. Exercise.. Just DO IT. :)
I actually got in the truck and drove to Curves today, I tried to call with no answer, but wasn't sure they were closed.. til I got there.. so instead, I'll do an exercise video here in a bit. Then I'll go out and shovel the walks and driveway... show should be stopping soon, and we have a few fresh inches out there. Anything to get and keep my body moving.
I also want to quit smoking this year. Yes, that makes exercise especially difficult. It's the one crutch I have held onto so very tightly, but I need to let it GO. I've got about 12 packs left, and when they are gone, that's going to be it. I have bought a few puzzles and also some great yarn for a few new crochet projects. I want to be prepared and my hands to be busy when I do quit so that I don't instantly gain back another 15 lbs!!!
So in 2013 I went from 360 down to 309. Then back up to 326.4. That was this morning's weigh in. Time to move it back to the left. So thankful for this amazing website with so many tools to help me do just that. SO very very thankful for all you beautiful people who are here for me, whether I decide to show up or not. Thank you so much for that....
Here's to a year of living....
Happy New Year everyone.. let's make 2014 count!!!