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Reving the Engine

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

So I gained almost all of what I lost last year back. I have been avoiding the scale (denial) since May when I got back from my cruise 12 pounds up. I lost half of that weight within a week but then I just stopped weighing, I guess I remembered how much I loved all of those forbidden foods on the cruise and I couldn't give them up when I got home. And then I had three count 'em THREE bear encounters while running and I got too scared to go out. I have a treadmill in my garage. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't gaining all that quickly (denial again)and as usual, as I outgrew my clothing I just blamed it on shrinking in the dryer.

I am up 55 pounds. Since May.

I rebooted on Christmas Day when my husband gave me a fitbit. I had to get on the scale to set up my account and I was forced to face the truth.

I am extremely angry at myself, I had almost made it to goal for goodness sake! How did I let myself slip again? It is just WAYYYY too easy to fall back into old patterns.

I am, at this point, starting to feel like I spend half my life eating not enough to support my body, and half my life expanding my body. Where is the middle ground???!

So how do I make this time different and permanent?

#1. I am focusing on behavioural changes, not the scale. I AM STILL WEIGHING IN, but I am not tying rewards to pounds lost, I am tying them to TIME milestones. Every month that I stay on plan I will do something nice for myself.

#2. I am not setting myself up for extreme deprivation. When I put my numbers into the fitbit I realised that when I was losing last time I was eating FAR too little, even without activity I was eating at the lost 1-2 lb a week level. No wonder I felt so deprived, no wonder I crashed and burned on the cruise. This time around I will eat a 500-1000 calorie deficit after activity calculations. It won't be fast, but it won't be hellish, right?

And now for how my perceptions have to change. I was REALLY upset all through the fall about this nightmare. I had just lost the largest amount of weight I had ever managed to lose at once, and it came back on SO FAST. It seemed like, if I couldn't do it THAT time, I would never be able to do it. But here is a little analogy that is helping my mental state of mind:

My body, it's like an old car engine. I haven't been treating it all that great for the past 8 years, so I can't expect it to just automatically get with the program when I am MENTALLY ready.

That engine, it doesn't start right away when you turn the key and rev the gas, it struggles, it doesn't turn over. That happens again and again. But then, it ALMOST turns over, you think the car is going to go but things fall flat again. But now things are warmed up, the car knows what is expected of it, and the next time you turn that key something clicks and the car comes to life. You pull out of your parking space and drive off into the sunset, only stopping when YOU are ready.

I weigh in Wednesdays. I will try to remember to update SP when I update Fitbit. This time I am aiming for 1-2lbs lost, not 10, because this is just the start of the rest of my life. Not the beginning to a race against the clock.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
GORIANA 1/5/2014 12:42AM

    Live and learn. Keep at it.

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EDDYMEESE 12/31/2013 7:02PM

    I totally know how you feel. Great job recognizing what you need to do!

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