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Moving Forward

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Well, it's the end of the year. Literally. The last day. And I am more than ready to wash myself of this year and move forward.

Thanks so much to everyone who commented yesterday and left me goodies. It truly does help to feel the love and support here. I was telling my dad last night that I think the HARDEST thing for me is that I just dont have friends here. My dad said "Thank God for social networking!" He's a funny guy. But really, it's true. Between my friends here on Spark, and my friends from back on the east coast that I can keep in touch with via text and the internet, the support has been tremendous.

When I was in law school, I went through a completely devastating breakup. I cried every single day for 3 months. Skipped classes regularly becuase I couldnt stop crying enough in the mornings to take a shower. I was 23. I guess 7 years later, I have a grown A LOT. I'm sad. I'm hurting. But I dont feel like the world is ending. I want to be all "life sucks" blah blah blah - but the truth is that my life doesnt suck. This one thing in my life is sucky, but I have so many other things in life that don't suck. And really, it's time for me to focus on those things - and on myself (because I dont suck either!).

I said yesterday that it is somewhat of a relief - that at least it is done. And that is true. The tension had become too much over the past few months and I was worrying constantly. And that really wasnt fair to me. I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Does that make it hurt less? I dont know. It still hurts. But I also feel clear-headed. Like there were things I hadnt been doing that I wanted to - and now I feel like I can do them. And I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do.

First thing is redecorating my master bedroom. I've been wanting to paint that room for a while now, but I always put it off. Well, no more. I am painting that room. And I purchased new bedding last night (it should arrive at the end of this week) and I am going to re-decorate. Mostly because I've been wanting to do this for a while and havent given it the attention I should have. But also because I want a new space for myself. I dont want the constant reminder when I walk in my room. Maybe that sounds silly. But guys, I'm excited to do this for myself.

I'm excited to spend more time crafting and working on my fitness. And maybe trying new things!

But to be perfectly honest, I'm excited to think about my future on my own terms. I'm kind of excited to think that I can make those decisions without thinking of someone else...for now. I just feel like it's a chance to get back to me. And I've got a ton of thinking to do and I'm looking forward to doing it.

I know that with time the sadness and hurt will fade. I think "goodbyes" suck, and to have said goodbye to someone who was so important to me for 2 years, and to be left with so much hurt - well, I know it's not going to stop hurting over night. But I am ready to deal with the grief, move through the process, and then move forward with my life. The 23-year old me could not see the rationale side of grief, but I think the 30-year old me can. And I think I am just willing to accept it now.

A part of me does still feel a bit hopeless and like a failure. Because I want a lasting relationship with someone that I can build a life with. I want to get married someday and have my own family. And live in a stable world that does not include the military telling me what to do with my life. And at 30 (almost 31), I feel once again like I am so far behind everyone I know. I think about all of the people that I know who are married and have families - and I feel alone being alone again. But I know friends who are going through unexpected divorces - feeling the same hurt I am, but worse. I know friends who remain in relationships that make them unhappy. And I know that isnt the life that I want, and perhaps if this breakup didnt happen now, that could have been my life, too.

So with 2013 coming to an end, I will move forward in 2014, focusing on me. Becoming the me that I want to be. And holding on to some hope that this was the best for me and that something better will come along in the future, when I am ready again.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your special guy will come along when the time is right. Don't focus on that. Focus on all the other stuff you mentioned.

    I love the last paragraph. emoticon emoticon and you will be great with whatever decisions you make. emoticon
    1021 days ago
    I think its good you are seeing some positives in this, and don't feel like you have to keep up with anybody elses life. Chances are that is why some of the people we know getting divorced are doing so. They tried to keep up with what they SHOULD have been doing at the time, not what they wanted. Now they are unhappy and splitting up. Better to wait and be sure. PS, I got married at 30. Not a bad thing at all. If I hadn't known my husband long at that time I would have waited longer.
    1023 days ago
    Happy New Year. It is difficult but like you mentioned it will pass. Everything will happen, you will have your hearts desire but the time has to be right, trust that it will happen when you least expect it.
    1023 days ago
  • MACMOM57
    Good for you glad your doing ok. That hurt will fade in time. Before you know it some one new will come along. Have a good time re doing you room. A fresh coat of paint can be amazing. Hugs to you my friend.
    1023 days ago
  • IONA72
    Make the most of your "me time" and doing all the stuff that makes you happy. Good luck in 2014.
    1024 days ago
    Sounds like you have a great attitude.
    You are not a failure!!!
    I didn't meet my husband until I was 39… have plenty of time.
    Enjoy 2014……you never know what it will bring.
    1024 days ago
    I wish you the very best for a great 2014, I think that your attitude is appropriate, realistic and you should expect wonderful things in the new year!
    1024 days ago
    emoticon emoticon All the best in 2014.
    1025 days ago
    I am so happy to see this post! I just read last night's post and I am so sorry, BUT it is for the best! You are able to devote yourself to you in 2014! You get to see what else is out there just for you - what you like best, what you want to do, what you want to see! Take this opportunity and make the best of it! learn and grow in 2014! I have faith it will be a great year for you!

    Happy New Year! emoticon emoticon
    1025 days ago
    YES!!!! You so GOT IT!!! Enjoy this time!! Be excited about what the future holds for you. Have fun decorating and crafting. And your motto for 2014 should be: It's all about ME in 2014!!!

    Enjoy and Happy New Year!! emoticon

    1025 days ago
  • LAURIE5658
    Continuing to think about you bigtime. I feel you have your head on straight...real straight...and going in to 2014 with a great attitude. We are here for you!!!

    1025 days ago
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