Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Well, it's the end of the year. Literally. The last day. And I am more than ready to wash myself of this year and move forward.
Thanks so much to everyone who commented yesterday and left me goodies. It truly does help to feel the love and support here. I was telling my dad last night that I think the HARDEST thing for me is that I just dont have friends here. My dad said "Thank God for social networking!" He's a funny guy. But really, it's true. Between my friends here on Spark, and my friends from back on the east coast that I can keep in touch with via text and the internet, the support has been tremendous.
When I was in law school, I went through a completely devastating breakup. I cried every single day for 3 months. Skipped classes regularly becuase I couldnt stop crying enough in the mornings to take a shower. I was 23. I guess 7 years later, I have a grown A LOT. I'm sad. I'm hurting. But I dont feel like the world is ending. I want to be all "life sucks" blah blah blah - but the truth is that my life doesnt suck. This one thing in my life is sucky, but I have so many other things in life that don't suck. And really, it's time for me to focus on those things - and on myself (because I dont suck either!).
I said yesterday that it is somewhat of a relief - that at least it is done. And that is true. The tension had become too much over the past few months and I was worrying constantly. And that really wasnt fair to me. I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Does that make it hurt less? I dont know. It still hurts. But I also feel clear-headed. Like there were things I hadnt been doing that I wanted to - and now I feel like I can do them. And I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do.
First thing is redecorating my master bedroom. I've been wanting to paint that room for a while now, but I always put it off. Well, no more. I am painting that room. And I purchased new bedding last night (it should arrive at the end of this week) and I am going to re-decorate. Mostly because I've been wanting to do this for a while and havent given it the attention I should have. But also because I want a new space for myself. I dont want the constant reminder when I walk in my room. Maybe that sounds silly. But guys, I'm excited to do this for myself.
I'm excited to spend more time crafting and working on my fitness. And maybe trying new things!
But to be perfectly honest, I'm excited to think about my future on my own terms. I'm kind of excited to think that I can make those decisions without thinking of someone else...for now. I just feel like it's a chance to get back to me. And I've got a ton of thinking to do and I'm looking forward to doing it.
I know that with time the sadness and hurt will fade. I think "goodbyes" suck, and to have said goodbye to someone who was so important to me for 2 years, and to be left with so much hurt - well, I know it's not going to stop hurting over night. But I am ready to deal with the grief, move through the process, and then move forward with my life. The 23-year old me could not see the rationale side of grief, but I think the 30-year old me can. And I think I am just willing to accept it now.
A part of me does still feel a bit hopeless and like a failure. Because I want a lasting relationship with someone that I can build a life with. I want to get married someday and have my own family. And live in a stable world that does not include the military telling me what to do with my life. And at 30 (almost 31), I feel once again like I am so far behind everyone I know. I think about all of the people that I know who are married and have families - and I feel alone being alone again. But I know friends who are going through unexpected divorces - feeling the same hurt I am, but worse. I know friends who remain in relationships that make them unhappy. And I know that isnt the life that I want, and perhaps if this breakup didnt happen now, that could have been my life, too.
So with 2013 coming to an end, I will move forward in 2014, focusing on me. Becoming the me that I want to be. And holding on to some hope that this was the best for me and that something better will come along in the future, when I am ready again.