Saturday, December 28, 2013
And found its way back. I have to say oops. I'm back up to 180 pounds again, I was just 164 in Mexico back in August, oh well. Looks like starting over again has a brand new meaning. My body can't do this yo-yo anymore, it's insane. I went from 195 down to my normal 150 and then went back up to 181 in June of 2012 and back to 164 in June of 2103 and now I'm back up to 180 to finish off the year. I have a lot of work to do in the future. That also means I gained 8 pounds in 2013, I believe I started January 1 at 172 pounds.
The problem, well that's easy to identify. I won't stop eating. To be honest I think about 95% of the healthy foods taste disgusting so whatever healthy eating habits I was able to develop I have already broken and have gone back to my old eating habits. Fruits and Veggies, gross, I'm allergic to most of them anyway. I like so few of them that I get bored eating them. Whole wheat bread, really gross, it's like cardboard, nothing good about biting into that stuff. Turkey, dry and boring, more cardboard, salty cardboard even worse. Fish, ew, can't be in the kitchen when it's cooking I'll get sick. Hummus, don't get me started on the wall paper paste concoction of ick. I have the palate of a finicky 3 year old and it's a royal PIA. I can't stand my eating preferences.
You have no idea how much I wish I could eat all of this good stuff. Everyday I have been eating thousands of calories of garbage along with a few healthy things I actually do like. Greek yogurt and Dole pineapple cups. Yes gimme buckets of it...not Yoplait or Dannon or that other disgusting chemical pectin thickener garbage. Give me pure non fat milk and cultures and that's it. Okay just deleted a Greek yogurt rant.
If I can't fix my eating problem I can't lose weight. I don't know where to start. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and am over obsessed by it. I have no idea how I started last time. The difference was I was with other people like me trying to change. That was back in the Rubber Room where we were all lost and bonded by a common trauma, doing weight loss challenges, workouts and eating better together as a group and Chris was training for the body building competition. Brian and I would walk for miles every single nice day. He knew I could do it and have my hot body back and everyone was so encouraging. Meryl, that was her name, she was a former body builder too so we had a lot of support in our little group that was suffering in exile waiting our hearings for phony charges.
I'm also dealing with what I'm programmed to think is a failed life (but it's not!). I'm going to be 40 in just over a year and I never got a chance to get married or have a family. So much didn't happen because of work and what that has done to the past 5 or more years. It's been crazy and everything I thought I was going to do didn't happen. I used to think it's was just the normal thing that happened and now it's such an alien concept I can't ever see it happening. I can't help but have a sense of nothing right now. Satisfaction and fulfillment won't come from material accomplishments I know this. Too much are we defined by what we are and what we do. I don't have that answer right now so what am I? If I have done so much on the 'material checklist of life' and I'm still not happy, then something important is missing and that has to be inside. I keep thinking if I continue to check off the list then I'll be happy, but where does that end? What would have been next on the list if I did get married, buy a house and a mini van and had 2 kids? Would I still feel empty as I waited to prove myself on the material checklist? I'm sure mothers and wives have a whole new check list of things they're supposed to do to be happy, so if there's another list can I finally learn to not worry about being married with children and focus on whatever is missing internally? Maybe it's not about this checklist of things you're supposed to do as an adult. Maybe it's something else. And MAYBE that something else isn't selfish, even if you've been trained to think it is. Maybe people who are married wish they could be like me and not do what was expected of them. Maybe there are people who want my lifestyle of freedom and independence. I'm sure they get lonely too in a house full of family. Maybe they feel worse feeling lonely because they are supposed to be 100% happy with their complete checklist. Maybe I can learn to accept that my life is okay the way it is and it's a happy one and acceptable. Maybe I can learn to not worry about what other people think of my life and accept that they just might not be paying me any mind in the first place.
Now tell me what any of that has to do with not being able to quit eating cheese-fries with gravy every week and a quarter of a cheesecake during the day? I guess this is where you lean back, nod your head and say to yourself "More than she knows." I have reached a point of honesty with myself. I can't share all of that here with you, but I promise, I share it with myself. I have some goals to set and some things to work on. Okay, a lot to work on. I think I'll find answers out on the trail again like I did last time I was out hiking and biking regularly.
Thanks for listening today Spark friends.