Saturday, December 21, 2013
It has taken me alot of tears and sleepless days to get here but I'm here. I'm to the point where I can clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel, and no it's not a train. I'm finally getting used to being alone in my house, it's starting to feel normal. I still may not know exactly what to do with myself most of the time, but I'm starting to figure it out. I had someone ask me Thursday why I keep punching myself in the face, in reference to why I keep hurting myself by not taking care of my health. Why do I feel the need to punish myself and abuse myself? She told me that once I figure that out, I'll be able to move forward and do what's right for me. So I've been thinking about what she is really asking me, why don't I feel like I'm worth it? How can I go all out and take care of everyone else, and not myself? At what point did I decide that I don't deserve to be healthy and happy? What could I have possibly done to make me feel like I deserve to feel the way I do?
Here is hat I've come up with so far, I'm trying to fill this void that I have felt for the longest time, so long that I'm not even sure when I didn't feel it. I've tried filling it with attention, both good and bad. I've tried filling it with food. I tried filling it by caring for others. I've tried all sort of things to make this hole go away, everything except figuring out why I felt it in the first place. Where did this come from? I know I've always been a sensitive person, and I take things personally when I shouldn't. As a kid, that makes things difficult when they really shouldn't be. I spent so much of my middle school and high school years dealing with being considered an outsider. It's an odd place to be, I'm a person who likes to interact with people, learn from them, and share with them. Where I'm from, having different ideas or beliefs can result in an onslought of social abuse. If you didn't agree with the top social circles then they made things hard. I never realized just how damaging that was until this past year. I never realized how that set me up to be in relationships where someone exploited the wounds from that time, and reinforced all the horrible feelings and thoughts I had about myself. Kids can be cruel, and as adults they wield words like weapons.
I have a list of things, unkind and untrue, about myself that overwhelm me when I feel down. That negative voice that keeps going and going until everything feels hopeless and I don't think I'm any good to anyone. Theses thoughts don't just derail me, they send me on two week binges where I eat everything I know is terrible for me and I don't take my diabetes meds. At at the end of it, I feel worse than I did before, which only reinforces all those bad thoughts I have about myself. How can I hate myself so much that I would damage myself so badly? I didn't do anything to deserve this, to feel like this, to believe such terrible things about myself. It took 9 years of being with someone who only sought to use how I felt about me to control me, to manipulate me, and use me to make me see that all those terrible things I believed about me were never true. Those were things people told me over and over so they could have power over me, so they could manipulate and control me. Words can cut so much deeper than we think. That's why I've decided to practice kindness, toward myself and everyone else. There's enough negative in this world, we all really need more kindness in our lives, especially from ourselves.
Today is the last day I'm going to choose to use food to drown the negative voices. Today those voices are going to be out of breath from exercising. They will be lost to the kind voices of my friends who support me, to the kind voice I'm fostering within myself, and to kindness I share with others. I will have my list of counter points, my truths, the awesome things about me, that I can repeat to drown out the negative voice until it no longer can be heard. I know it will take time and alot of effort but I really deserve to be healthy and happy.