Saturday, December 21, 2013
One of my favorite Spark friends included the phrase "dust and ashes, grit in the gears of my soul" in a comment on my page today. She was describing how she has been feeling of late and wanted to say that my status cheered her up. I am so grateful to have this friend who has worked so hard, has given Spark her best, and has changed the way she lives during the past year and yet still trusts me enough to say how she is really doing right this minute. Her description exactly nails how I am feeling today. I need to have words like that sometimes. They give me a platform, like the bottom of a deep pool, to push away from so that I can make it back to the surface for some air.
This has been an up hill year for me. I re-activated my Spark endeavors in late summer but have been going back and forth with the same 15 pounds ever since. The reasons and excuses bore me. My attitude transplants have been rejected. I just can't seem to find that place in the pond bottom that is sufficiently firm to push away and burst completely through my scummy surface into the fresh air and sunlight. I breathe dust and ashes. There is grit in the gears of my soul.
The band has no more gigs this year... WAHHHHH!
I am other directed. On the Titanic lifeboat, I give the penniless stowaway my seat. This task of doing something just for myself, for the good of myself, this seemingly herculean alteration in my MO, this goal of making and keeping a commitment to myself, this thing that refuses to remain in bite-sized pieces... is more difficult than I can say. It is the grit in my soul. That nails it. Thanks Denise. I'll grab some end-dust and see what I can do. Today is THE SOLSTICE. HERE COMES THE LIGHT.
"...oh blinding light, oh light that blinds, look out for me, i cannot see." % )
I just quoted The Firesign Theater... for the edification of anyone old enough to remember their albums.