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"...dust and ashes, grit in the gears of my soul."

Saturday, December 21, 2013

One of my favorite Spark friends included the phrase "dust and ashes, grit in the gears of my soul" in a comment on my page today. She was describing how she has been feeling of late and wanted to say that my status cheered her up. I am so grateful to have this friend who has worked so hard, has given Spark her best, and has changed the way she lives during the past year and yet still trusts me enough to say how she is really doing right this minute. Her description exactly nails how I am feeling today. I need to have words like that sometimes. They give me a platform, like the bottom of a deep pool, to push away from so that I can make it back to the surface for some air.

This has been an up hill year for me. I re-activated my Spark endeavors in late summer but have been going back and forth with the same 15 pounds ever since. The reasons and excuses bore me. My attitude transplants have been rejected. I just can't seem to find that place in the pond bottom that is sufficiently firm to push away and burst completely through my scummy surface into the fresh air and sunlight. I breathe dust and ashes. There is grit in the gears of my soul.

The band has no more gigs this year... WAHHHHH!

I am other directed. On the Titanic lifeboat, I give the penniless stowaway my seat. This task of doing something just for myself, for the good of myself, this seemingly herculean alteration in my MO, this goal of making and keeping a commitment to myself, this thing that refuses to remain in bite-sized pieces... is more difficult than I can say. It is the grit in my soul. That nails it. Thanks Denise. I'll grab some end-dust and see what I can do. Today is THE SOLSTICE. HERE COMES THE LIGHT.

"...oh blinding light, oh light that blinds, look out for me, i cannot see." % )

I just quoted The Firesign Theater... for the edification of anyone old enough to remember their albums.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Did you know you have the gift of words? And of putting them in a succinct yet unusual (and that's not the right word bit I have no other) way for all to understand, nod their heads and think yes, there I am. That's what happened when I read your blog. I'm not gonna bore you with my details, but preach it, sister!
    1522 days ago
    1524 days ago
    Yes - I am aware of HALT - good for you being able to identify the issue at hand that's half the battle right there . Clearance from the physician from invasive procedure - clearance awesome !! I would be just like you now frustrated but my procedure was non-invasive so I have been cleared !! Yippee ! Water sports and Tai Chi my favorites - not like exercise at all ! From the looks of the picture of the walks that you takes with your dogs - I love it - like photo out of a movie !! Hugs K
    1525 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/23/2013 9:48:31 AM
    I've just been frustrated. Do you all know about the H.A.L.T. rule? ... or... You guys down with HALT? It originally comes from AA, I think, but basically HALT is a check list. It means if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired - or any combination of those things, you need to address that/those immediate problems rather than smoke, get drunk, snort a line, or binge eat. I'm just your typical run-of -the-mill hollow-legged introverted hermit insomniac with a few burrs in her panties.

    I've been on a 40 mg. dose of Viibryd for 12 weeks now - maybe that dosage is too high? anger & anxiety are side dishes with that - I'll see what I can find out tomorrow.
    I got the all clear from my surgeon on Friday to go back to water exercises & t'ai chi. That should help.

    I'm like my Australian Shepherd - if I don't get enough exercise, somebody is gonna pay. % )
    1525 days ago
    Even as we reach the threshold of our suffering, may we find relief.
    1526 days ago
    First of all I do not feel that your being fair to yourself - after all you did have an organ removed and I am not speaking of Music - good to let yourself heal .
    perhaps it might be time to revisit Body Talk page 201 - Woman Who Run with The Wolves seems to me you know and remember well - " This split , they exclaimed to , was called Sakaya Yallah , meaning "opening of God' .... and was understood as a sign of wisdom "

    Perhaps My Dear Friend , Jim Ann its time to rekindle your Fire - The Little Match Girl - Merry Christmas to my Sole Sister of creativity ! Hugs Karen
    1526 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/22/2013 8:29:34 PM
    Kinda where I'm at also ........ rather stagnant ...... But I'm responsible for my mood no one else..... we just keep on keeping on
    1526 days ago
  • 1SALMON1
    Firesign Theatre! I haven't thought about them for ages! and when I go to their website there they are, making me laugh! made me realize I really need to laugh more... OK, my dear friend, you commented on one of my first blogs "You deserve to feel good, Toots. So do I." And you are right. You do deserve to feel good. You are the one who gives away the seat on the life boat - and you are also the penniless stow-away, receiver of a life-saving kindness. I like your analogy of needing someplace firm to push off from; I recognize that floundering feeling and dread it. I don't know what happens when suddenly action seems possible and meaningful and effective when before nothing connected. Is there a musical comparison that would work? This has been a hard year for you - being sick, having surgery - yet you keep coming back and tackling those stupid 15 lbs again. That counts. That means something. Be kind to yourself; you're probably still recovering & need rest and lots of high-quality nutrition. We'll tackle pound #16 in january...
    1526 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    emoticon Floundered ever since March here. Almost back to beginning point. New and ramped up medical issues got the best of me in spite of reading so many inspirational Blogs; I soak them up intellectually, but have serious issues with applying them! However, I am exercising with a friend twice a week for 45 minutes to an hour -- we try to not let each other slide on this one.
    1526 days ago
    Well look at it this way ............. In a few more days we can look at this journey from a new angle. It will be emoticon ........ which is cathartic to me ........... Let 2013 wash away ............. and remember no more .............. But learn what you could do to improve ........... there will be newcomers coming on board ......... and I'm sure they could use an encouraging word ............... Like the one you gave your friend on your status line. And take it one day at a time ............. that's all any of us can do. Best wishes. .............. 2B
    1526 days ago
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