Thursday, December 19, 2013
I feel a lot better knowing my grades now. I got 4 A's and an A-! I am especially happy knowing I have only 2 more terms left. That's 20 more weeks of school! Then I'm DONE!
I have been at my parents' house since last Thursday. We don't have a lot of money to be going back and forth, so Adam and I have been staying at my parents' house, and we will be here until the day after Christmas. In the mean time, I have been eating SO much x.x I feel awful. I wrote everything down. From the 14th until today, I have eaten 23,145 calories!!! Out of those calories, 9,776 of those calories have been sugary sweets! I am afraid to weigh myself, so the best thing to do at this point is to not, and just exercise and get back on it. The only other option is continuing down this cycle, and then being in for a rude awakening down the line when I finally decide to weigh myself. I need to fix this before it gets worse. The only way that this is going to be fixed is if I am consciously aware of how much I have been eating these last couple of days. Sure, there's Christmas next week, but that's really no excuse to eat this terribly EVERY SINGLE DAY until then.
The weather has been really bad. This morning it was so frozen that the road was icy. I'm afraid to go jogging in it, but I suppose that doesn't mean I can't walk in it.
I don't have access to a gym unless my sister goes because she's a member and can bring guests for free. I don't want to rely on her though.
I can definitely say that a lot of the eating is for entertainment. Coming to my parents' house, and being in the same environment-where nothing has changed I might add, it brings up all those old habits. I honestly cannot imagine how anyone in that house would manage to lose any weight at all. My dad thinks that eating greasy sausages and hot dogs is healthy because it's "protein". My mom has type 2 diabetes, and still brings cookies into the house-a weakness of mine for sure, and she has recently gone into a soda kick. It's SO incredibly frustrating. I feel like once the holidays are over, and we're home, I should just stay away for a while. I hate to do that, but my family is REALLY good at enabling the behavior. That is after all, where I learned it. This house is not equipped for success. The fridge is full of a bunch of ingredients, but nothing to really pull it together to make a healthy meal.
I want to go home, but I don't have the gas money-or any money for that matter, to come back to spend the holiday with my family.
I was thinking of looking into going to an O.A. meeting...At least to see what its about. I don't know exactly why I just turn to eating. I guess these are partially learned methods used to deal with the anxiety and depression. I see my mom doing it-my whole life, and those habits just took over. I thought I had 'kicked it', but I now understand that I never will, and I will always have to be aware, and thinking about what I'm putting into my mouth. Forever.