Thursday, December 19, 2013
Today I finally mustered up the courage to get back on the scale for the first time since, like, October. I've been really struggling with staying on track calorie-wise and thought - if it wasn't totally soul-crushing - the exact numbers would be motivational. Unlike usual, I stepped on the scale fully-clothed, and got the reading of 201.8 lbs.
Although I am disappointed I've backtracked past my halfway-to-goal mark and right out of Onederland, I'm feeling okay about it. Frankly I was certain I was going to be back up around 215 lbs considering how I have been eating the past two months. Its only about seven pounds higher than where I was in October (and I was wearing clothes!) so I feel like I can work with that.
Maybe my self-image of myself is all kinds of jacked up, but based on what I see in the mirror I swore I had gained a TON of weight. I feel flabbier, slumped, and all around fat like I've gained twenty pounds or something. According to the scale it's more mental than anything. Not sure if I should be worried about that or not.
Anywho, back to positive things! Today is my first day trying to use Spark's online food tracker versus jotting things down with a pen and paper. Yesterday was between 1600-1700 calories (would have been 1200 if I hadn't given in too much to the munchies after work!), and I am determined to keep it in the 1200's today. Considering it's 4pm and I've had less than 300 calories, I think I'm trending well toward that goal. Haha it makes a difference when I'm determined to stay in my pajamas but the food choices are limited in the house.
I really want to lose fifty pounds by June. Although doable, I'm certain that would require a diet/exercise regimen that I won't be able to keep up with considering my current struggles and how much I actually want to commit. I don't know why, but I feel really frustrated with myself, and I'm sick and tired of looking in the mirror and being so dissatisfied.
I splurged on myself again last week and purchased a pair of boots that are black rawhide and supposed to lace all the way up to just below the knee. I absolutely love them and got a good price on them, but I am considering returning them because, as I am now, my calves are too fat to wear them laced up all the way. If I actually mustered up some dedication and stuck to a weight loss regimen with accuracy, I probably wouldn't be able to show off those boots until it gets cold next year. The amount of self-loathing, disappointment, and dissatisfaction generated by this boot situation sums up my entire view of myself and the whole weight loss thing right now.
Anywho, right now I need to focus on surviving the holidays. I have a potluck get together tomorrow night that I need to weather, and who knows when the stream of baked goods and candy is going to end at work. There's also word that the company split is going to happen this weekend at work, so there's the whole chaotic disarray of moving to the new building and getting everything settled (and maybe new schedule? At this point who knows). Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
For now, I'm going to enjoy a day off (I called in yet again to avoid work drama and spend the last of my PTO in expectations of losing it all in the split), wrap some presents, and do my best not to over eat. Haha as long as I stick to my calorie goals, I will consider today the best of days.
Wow, this ended up a lot longer than I was planning! I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful day so far and doing great things!