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Late Nite Funnies

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the 4th quarter. -Jay Leno

While Pope Francis was visiting a children's center, a young boy snatched the Pope's hat off. And because of a little-known Vatican law, that boy is now the new Pope — Pope Timmy. -Conan O'Brien

Another Kardashian marriage is kaput. The proceedings for the divorce actually began when she said, "I do." -David Letterman

Over the weekend, China became the third nation to land on the moon. This morning NASA issued a statement: "Sending stuff to the moon is so 1960s. Call us when you get to Mars." -Craig Ferguson

My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number. --Orville Cogswell

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. --Dennis Wholey

Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more.

Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can't even call Santa's helpers "elves" anymore. They have to be known as "undocumented little people." -Jay Leno

A big movie opened today — "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug." I want to see it because I love movies about tiny people. In fact, I'll see anything that stars Tom Cruise. -Craig Ferguson

Are you going to see those big "Hobbit" films? They have done a prequel, and they have done a sequel. I believe this one is a NyQuil. -David Letterman

In a new interview, Oprah said she’s glad she never had kids because they would probably hate her. Seriously? She gives away free cars and lets people jump on the couch. I mean, she sounds fun to me. -Jimmy Fallon
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