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    NIKKICOLE83   18,235
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when your mother doesn't like you

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I know many women have stressed relationships with their moms. Part of me thinks it may just be part of nature. However, I am reaching a point in my life where I must either decide to confront my mother or choose to walk away from her. If I had to qualify my reasons in the simplest terms, they would be:

1:) She is mean.
2.) She is rude.
3.) She says hurtful things to me, about me, and to others.
4.) She is competitive.
5.) She does not show love or affection.
6.) She has a dark and ugly spirit.

1.) When I say my mom is mean, she is like the Grinch who Stole Christmas. She LOOKS for ways to emoticon on your parade. She doesn't just do it to me, she is mean ALL THE TIME to EVERYONE. You could say "I love roses!" and she would reply, whether you were speaking to her or not, "I can't stand roses! They stink!" Yesterday my brother came home (he is living with my mom temporarily) and his 5 year old daughter was super-excited to see him and ran screaming to him as he entered the house. As they hugged, my mom yelled at my niece, "Calm down, Lynn! Your dad isn't Jesus, okay?!!" My cousin told me on Thanksgiving that she loved my Christmas tree and my mom says, "I think its plain." NO ONE ASKED YOU! emoticon

2.) I think her being rude is pretty evident from #1.

3.) Those that know me well know that I had a daughter that passed away at the young age of 19 months. Prior to her passing, she and I had to move back with my mom as my first husband and I divorced. (Sidenote: my mom did not hesitate to open her doors to myself and my daughter or my brother and for that, I give her credit and thanks) My daughter passed away on a Saturday morning. Our entire family spent the day in the hospital mourning with us until the coroner requested her body at 5 pm that evening. I cried and slept for 1 1/2 days before even getting up to shower or eat. When I did, my momstomped into the kitchen and said, "When are you going to get Alicia's stuff out of that room?" I was shocked and appalled. I told her that it would happen "no time soon". She then told me that Alicia's clothes were too nice to just donate and that my niece should get them.

4.) My mom competes with me about EVERYTHING. If I buy a 42"TV, she will try to buy a 50"TV. If I get a new car, she has a newer one the next month. This is not my perception, this really happens! The last 3 vehicles I have bought, she has gotten a new one within three weeks! She always tells me she is going to get the bigger, better version of whatever I get. Mind you, I no longer tell her when I am making any improvements in my life or home. I bought a new vehicle a week ago and said nothing to her. She ended up seeing it and gave me a full interrogation and now, she is "thinking about trading hers in."

5. The last time my mother hugged me for no apparent reason, without anyone else watching, without it being a holiday or birthday was when I was 7 years old. It was a Saturday in the springtime. She was wearing a gray swetshirt and jeans and was sitting on the arm of the couch. I remember it like it was yesterday because it was the last time I felt comfortable being touched by my mom.

6. I am a very spiritual person and so the fact that I have the relationship I have with my mother really hurts me to my core. Because I have always been connected with my spiritual side, I can sense when someone has a bad spirit. Being around my mother unsettles me. It is like my inner self is on high alert and it telling me "Be careful". My aunt came into my home with my mom when we first bought our house. She said she could feel God when she walked into our home; that her spirit was at peace and comfortable there. She ten said later that my mom feels "heavy" and that she could sense that my momwas unhappy and in turmoil. I sense it and I see it but I don't know what to do. I love my mom. She has intilled so much in me. She is dependable and is a hard worker. She would never, ever turn her back on me in the sense ofhelping with what she could if I needed it. On the flip side, she has tried since I have been a child to diminish my self-worth. At this point I don't know whether to address it with her and a third party and be met with her denial of the situation or to move on with my life. Honestly, I don't think that is the answer because I would never feel good about it. When your own mother (and father in my case) don't like you or want to be around you, it makes you feel rotten to the core. I am not a whole person until I deal with this. WHat should I do?
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BEATRIZ269 1/18/2014 6:33PM

    Dear Nikki:

I see that people have given you wonderful advice and I am truly sorry you have suffered through losing your daughter and also this situation. I also had a mother that physically provided food and shelter but couldn't afford to give any affection or connection to me so I totally identify with the story when you were 7 years old. This went on through my mid-thirties and then through me going through therapy I was able to change the way I related to her and wasn't quick to react to her. Somewhere somehow we started being able to communicate and suddenly and through my forties she has slowly become the mother I always craved and never thought I would have. It has been a long road but it can happen and like other people have said, it really had to do with her childhood and her general unhappiness. Since then, I have encouraged her to seek happiness in her life and I see that it has helped her become a more emotionally grounded person.

Life isn't perfect but family is family. I am sure she feels but somehow doesn't feel safe to be loving and God willing you were the blessing she received which may help her do that someday. I often say I mothered my mother so she can learn how to mother me.

May God continue to help you through this.

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MISSB8604 1/13/2014 12:51PM

    I donít have the best of relationships with my father, so to a point I understand where youíre coming from. I highly recommend speaking with her and a third party OR simply confronting her in a controlled space with just the two of you around. You then must ask yourself if the relationship that youíre in is worth your time and your heart. If you feel it would be beneficial to your life, do the work to fix your relationship.

Did you mother have issues with her mother as a child? She sounds like sheís repeating what she may have felt like as a child on you. Iíve found out over the years that parents repeat what had been done to them when they were children both good AND bad. She seems angry and in a heck of a lot of pain, so she ďsharesĒ that with you. Itís not right, itís not fair and you certainly donít need it, but donít forget to take into account what kind of childhood she may have had. When I think of how my Dad was treated and what he must have went through as a child, my attitude towards him softens a bit.

Pray on it and really ask yourself if you need/want a relationship with her. I have a feeling you already know the answer.

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DOINGMYWORK 1/10/2014 1:31PM

  My heart goes out to you ,

I too have lost a child(feb of 2013) I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear this about your Angel; your mom was very insensitive during your time of grief. It sounds like you love her, but can't be around her on a regular basis because of her personality. So here's a few suggestions:

1. Talk to her, really have a heart-to-heart with no one around and see where that leads you.

2. Write her a letter expressing a desire, need to feel her love and see how she responds.

3. Try to do an intervention with people she loves, and she respects an values their opinions -see if this can be the start to a new beginning.

If all of the above FAILS - YOU have to decide what is good & healthy for YOU. Because Poison spreads quickly and before you know it that toxic spirit can/will eat away @ your loving spirit.

PRAY, PRAY AND MORE PRAYER for Her, for you and for God to handle what you can not.

ps... you can love people from a distance if nothing helps in the immediate future.



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SARAL72 1/2/2014 3:03PM

    Dear Nikki

I know too well where you are coming from:

My mum is toxic, things got much worth after dad passed away 6 years ago, but I'm also realistic : she was always that way, it just got worth. I can't change her, she is too old. I was dealing with her crazy behavior for many years, trying to smooth things....but at the end, it never worked long term, and I was the only one making efforts...life is not a one way street.

At some point, enough is enough and my duty is to protect my family. I realized last year that she was also trying her best to hurt the kids (the same way she did when I was a child), so I decided to stop talking to her.

My husband and I love to travel and that's why we worked overseas for the past ten years. But soon we will have to go back to work in Paris for a couple of years, she will be a few miles away and I know she will try her best to ruin my life. I will just change my locks and keep her away.

Many people in our family don't talk to her (I actually don't know who's still talking to her today! probably nobody) and they told me for years they didn't know how I managed to cope with her awful behavior. Well...my patience had limits, and it had been reached!
It is sad...but life is too short, and my priority in life is my husband and children's happiness. If for that I need to cut out my mother from our life's, it's fine with me.

I did try almost everything (except therapy she refused) before getting there, so I have no regrets.

I really hope things will work out better for you and your mum, but you just got married, you need to think about your own family first.
Take care
xx

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NATURALSHAPELY 12/30/2013 6:59PM

    i pray you come to a resolution that is healthy for you, whether that is no contact at all or limited.

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GEORGE815 12/24/2013 4:57PM

    Sorry for your loss and your Mom's way of treating you. It must be difficult on both of you.

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1DERLAND14 12/21/2013 9:05PM

    I struggle with the some of the issues you do, but my mom tries to hide it in front of others more than yours does. So that everyone will think she is so great!

What Iv'e had to do is not let the things she does get to me. I have realized that I cannot control her actions or how she lives her life. As my mother needs some serious conseling to deal with issues from her childhood...it sounds like your mother does too. Until she accepts/realizes the person she is there is nothing can you can do about it. I spent my entire life trying to live up to her standards and please her and was always disappointed when I didn't live up. That is no way to live! You are a newlywed and have an amazing husband by your side.

I know it is easy for me to say, "Don't let it get to you" but you have to be able to let it go. Your peace and happiness is what matters. While you cannot control her...you can control YOU and what you accept.

Much love to you girl!

Merry Christmas!
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FITWITHIN 12/20/2013 8:33PM

    Your mother needs some counseling for issues that she has experienced in her life. It sounds really deep rooted, however she probably would never admit it. My husband has an uncle like that when he see that somebody has something new. I remember when we bought our house many years ago; after having 3 family members pass away in a 2 1/2 week period. We felt it was a good idea to have a cookout to ease the pain everyone was feeling. When this uncle got here it didn't even speak, but proceeded to walk thorough our house and stayed for about 45 minutes and left. So, there are people you can change, because they have to do it themselves. You just keep being the good natured person that you are and live your life to the fullest. However, the next time see is rude to you. You need to address it right then and then. Take care

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PRESBESS 12/20/2013 5:14PM

    I am sooo sorry to hear about the negative relationship with your mom. There is a reason she is the way she is and probably stems from her childhood. How was her relationship with her mom? How was her childhood? She is a wounded woman and it displays itself in her relationships.

You may want to purchase the book, "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yorkevich. It's an exellent book. In the meantime, put up boundaries so that she knows that she can no longer treat you any kind of way. You may have to redifine her in your life.

Also, if you feel you are in need of "mom love" you may want to consider intentionally establishing or strenghtening a relationship with an older woman for support, hugs, love and a shoulder to lean on, etc, in a mom kind of way. Of course she will never take the place of mom, but she can serve as an addition to your life in a mom kind of way.

Lastly, pray for your mom and know when you see her, you are looking at a very wounded soul.
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KTTAYLOR21 12/20/2013 3:45PM

    Pray, pray, and pray some more. Keep picturing that day at 7 when your Mom hugged you. And start initiating hugs with her. Keep evoking blessings her way. You can only control you and fortunately you are smart enough to not ALLOW your parents to AFFECT YOUR SPIRIT!! Your validation does not come from the outside (your mom or dad) your validation comes from WITHIN! You have Derrell now and THAT'S ALL THAT MATTER!! Your Mom and Dad are miserable people, and let them KEEP that energy! It's too bad, because their life will be over and they will not have LIVED!! But you can live and love and enjoy your life!! Set boundaries like BITSNPIECES38 said. Gave excellent advice on you setting your limits.

Set your limits
Hold her in prayer and send her your blessing.

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43MELANIE 12/20/2013 12:09AM

    emoticon I am so sorry for what you've been through. With my mum I had to choose to walk away. Even minimal exposure to her would change me for several days afterwards. It wasn't fair to those that really love me. Best of luck to you, whatever your choice. You deserve peace.

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BITSNPIECES38 12/19/2013 2:58PM

    You have another choice besides confronting her or walking away, and it's an option that puts you squarely in control of your contact. From an outsider's perspective, and given this small glimpse of your mom, I would take it as a given that she will be resistant to change if it is anyone's idea but hers. So it's on you, rightly or not.

My suggestion: define to yourself what your boundaries are. Where is the line? Do you have different lines for different people? Like, if she says one or two things about you or your brother you can let it slide, but your husband is absolutely off limits? Take time to write them down. And then write down the consequence or action you are willing to take, consistently, every time a particular boundary is breached. Like: I will make a comment and leave the room; I will leave the house/venue; I will give my niece a compliment/hug whenever X happens, etc. But they must be things that you commit to yourself that you will do. Because, really, this is about you: what kind of treatment will you accept, and how will you protect yourself if you're being treated otherwise. Accepting that you are actually in control is your biggest challenge, given the dynamic of the mother/daughter relationship, etc.

You don't need to confront your mom. You don't even need to tell her what you are doing or why you are doing it (but you could, decide that during your action planning). It is possible if you don't outline it for her, she will notice and later confront you about why you took whatever action you took. Journal out different dialogues about how those scenarios might play out.

Take some time to write out more about what you do understand of who she is. Did she have large challenges growing up? Abuse? Neglect? Prematurely tasked with heavy responsibilities? When she opens her home, is that her way of showing love? Is she all bad? None of this is to excuse how she treats you, but to allow you to really be fair if she provokes a confrontation. You'll respect yourself more by being fair to her. For example, in your first scene with your brother and niece, if your mom was raised that children are seen and not heard, and you're fair about that understanding of her, you can conclude that's actually a little sad for her. She never had the freedom of expression your niece does. She never got to fling herself into her daddy's arms and act with abandonment when she was a little girl. You can't change that for your mom, just accept it is what it is. You have the opportunity to step up into the hug zone with your brother and niece, scoop up your niece, and exclaim how blessed it makes your family to have such unconditional love expressed so freely and with so much joy! And when you do, it's not about your mom and her negativity anymore at all, it's about the positivity you want in your life. Control what you can control - that includes what treatment you'll accept from your mom and reinforcing love in your life.

Sorry for so long a post - I very much relate to your post and the keys just started flying off the keyboard! My best to you on your journey. Chin up!!

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VERSESTHATHURT 12/19/2013 10:51AM

    I am so sorry your mom is like that! It sounds like she's a narcissist. You might want to check out the RaisedByNarcissists group on Reddit. They often recommend going low contact or no contact with family members like that.

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STRONG_SARAH 12/19/2013 8:41AM

    Wow, that's a powerful blog. Our relationships with our mother's are so complicated, aren't they. If you cut her out of your life are you going to tell her? Or just sort of fade away and stop taking her phone calls? If you are planning on doing the first, here's what I would do. First, hand her (or mail her) the blog you've just written. Tell her you'd be willing to go to therapy with her to salvage your relationship. Sounds like couples therapy, I know, but some would argue your relationship with your Mom is more important than a spouse, so it may be worth it.
Unless she's willing to change though you may find her unreceptive. At least you would know you tried. I'm so sorry she's not the Mom you deserve. Good luck to you.


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MARINEMAMA 12/19/2013 4:50AM

    emoticon

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SUGAR0814 12/19/2013 12:57AM

    I'm praying for you Nikki. The only thing I can recommend at this moment is to love her from a distance. emoticon emoticon

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MJREIMERS 12/18/2013 11:09PM

    Unfortunately some people are just "that way." It seems like they are very unhappy with themselves and their life. It really has nothing to do with you, although it may seem like it does. Is it easy, NO.

I have found that it is up to you. I've learned that you can either ignore them, avoid them or forgive them. The last one is for you. Is it easy, NO. However, it really makes your life happier.

Unfortunately, you have to decide which of the above are best of you. Remember this isn't about your mom, at this point, it's about you and how you want to live your life. Meditate, pray, read. Do what it takes to come to terms with what is best for YOU. Good luck and emoticon


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DEBIGENE 12/18/2013 10:10PM

    I couldn't not comment as I have always had a strained relationship with my mom as well. This is how I've coped.
She is a very unhappy lady and with all good reason after I understood and accepted why, something she to this day has never done. As a result of her lack of love and affection as a child she has been unable to share it herself; at least in a way that I NEEDED and WANTED. I have prayed for years over it and once I gave it all up to the Lord to take from me Now I am able to accept her as she is and recognize and when she is giving. Yes it still hurts at times but now I can blow it off much easier. She will be 77 years in Feb and is not a healthy woman and I still pray that I will know, really know, and feel her love before she dies.

Try to find a way is all I can say. and I will keep you in thought and prayer.

Merry Christmas and may 2014 bring gentleness to your life with mom. emoticon

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MAMAJAHMAI 12/18/2013 7:57PM

    Don't stop praying. Don't stop interceding on her behalf. The devil is a liar. Pray for her. Keep praying....fight in the spirit for her. Ask Jesus to cut her loose from her bondage(s) ((Hugs)) God keep and strengthen you.

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STEVIEBEE569 12/18/2013 7:47PM

    I pray God will give you wisdom as you come to grips with the decision you have to make for yourself. I do pray that God opens your mother's eyes to see what she is doing. Continue to lean on Him for guidance & understanding.

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HDHAWK 12/18/2013 7:13PM

    As hard as this is, I don't think it's about you. You said she treats everyone this way. I'm sorry for what she said about your daughter. That's completely out of line. If you want to confront her I'd probably do it with a 3rd party only because I don't think she'll "hear" you if you try to do it alone. I think your mom is a very unhappy person and she builds herself up by buying things and putting other people down. I'd spend as little time with her as possible.

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 12/18/2013 6:53PM

    It took me until my 40's before my mom really started appreciating me. We don't live close. When she was rude on the phone I would tell her I had to go and I wouldn't talk to her for awhile. I think my tough love discipline helped to teach her manners. I won't put up with bad behavior. Over the years we have grown closer, but it's taken many years.

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SHRINKING_SARA 12/18/2013 6:19PM

    I am sort of in this situation. My mom is certifiably nutsÖ and I'm living with her. She goes out of her way to make things hard sometimes, or to say comments that are mean, or even ruin a plan I've had in place for months that she knows about. I can't get away, but space is the best cure for this. When you don't have to interact, just stay away. It seems like you're already doing it, but that's the only thing that seems to work for me. Time and distance.

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SUSIEMT 12/18/2013 6:18PM

    Nikki Please do yourself a huge favor and work through this so you can continue on with your life. Right now you are letting your mother have so much power over you. You do need to love her and here is that big but..you need to learn to deal with it. Make sure you check out that link ADARKARA left you it may point you in the right direction. If not, start therapy, a good counselor can work wonders. As always keep up the great work you are doing and have a wonderful Christmas. (Maybe not visit your mother this year)

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JUSTYNA7 12/18/2013 5:18PM

    Hmmm. I am 53 years old and only this year did I finally admit that my relationship with my father is abusive. I found some very good advice. We can choose to spend time with these people if we want to...but we have the right to a safe place and to not be abused. My father is no longer allowed in my house and I will not spend time with him alone, and I will not spend time with he and my mother with just me or just me and my DH. I have agreed to be in the same room with him at functions but I don't make an effort to talk beyond small talk. It is amazing how much stronger I am feeling. Sad too. I have forgiven him but that does not mean that I will put myself in a postion to be belittled or made to feel less of a person. There are consequences of course. My father has had a history of being very generous financially. I have now paid him back every penny that he has given me and any financial gifts from now on I am putting into our family cottage where everyone can benefit. I don't want to influence my kids' relationship but they say that he already did that. He is a bitter and selfish man when it comes to family. Very very sad. What I do know is that no one in the world treats me like he treats me and I do not have to be treated like that. Good luck figuring out what to do with your mother. You deserve to be safe and be loved unconditionally. It is too bad that she is unable to provide that.

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STONECOT 12/18/2013 5:03PM

    You mum sounds a very unhappy woman. Perhaps she's jealous of you, young, pretty and with most of your life in front of you. Perhaps she's afraid to show love or tenderness because that would make her vulnerable, perhaps some time in her life, someone took advantage of her and hurt her when she showed love. I don't think that confronting her would help, least not in an angry way. You could try quietly dropping comments into your conversations to her. 'Why are you always so negative?' Or 'I wish you wouldn't say things like that, they're hurtful' then walking away. She's tough by habit, it would take a lot to change her, but she would never understand if you cut her out of your life completely, it would just confirm her in her idea that loving hurts.

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ADARKARA 12/18/2013 4:34PM

    I had a lousy relationship with my adoptive mom before I decided to cut her out of my life. She is toxic, and I'm not the only person in her life who has completely stopped speaking to her (one of her brothers AND her sister don't speak to her). My step-mom, who had a lousy relationship with her parents also, recommended a book to me. It's called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life". Here is the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic
-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Rec
laiming-ebook/dp/B000SEH80I/ref
=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=138
7402382&sr=1-1&keywords=toxic+p
arents

It really helped me to figure out what to do about it.

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DIANAOR1 12/18/2013 4:16PM

    I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog and that I'm praying for you.

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You made such a beautiful bride. Try to continue to be positive and pray for your Mom. She needs a lot of prayer in her life. Perhaps it is something that is keeping her down and pouring it out onto you. I don't really know just trying to make sense and sometimes it doesn't make sense. I'm sure it can be very disheartening.

I'm sorry about your little girl!


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MLEHTO 12/18/2013 4:14PM

    I understand your feelings. Before my mother passed, she was not a nice person. Much of the same experiences you have had with yours.

What worked for me was to limit my exposure to her. I lived 300 miles away at the time so not seeing her frequently was not difficult. Confronting my mother was not an option as she was an alcoholic and I didn't feel it would make a difference.

It took me awhile but I learned to not take her actions personally and accept the fact that though I loved her as my mother, the woman who gave birth to me and raised me to be the woman I am, I didn't like her as a person. I had to accept that if I wasn't related to her by blood, I probably wouldn't have her in my life. That was hard to accept at first. She was my mother. But when I finally I did, I found I could visit her, speak with her on the phone and generally have her in my life on a limited basis.

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