Tuesday, December 17, 2013
So last night, I got home and face to face asked him if he wants me to leave.
His response is that he doesnt have any issue with our relationship. He isnt mad. He isnt spending his time worried about it and I am worrying for no reason.
It took him over a year to tell me he loves me, and almost a year before he allowed me around his daughters. He has been hurt in the past and i understand that. I however, am not her.
I read everyone's sweet comments on yesterdays blog and would like to address a few:
He is private, but he doesnt hide things from me. If I ask to see his phone, or emails etc... its no problem. I dont feel like he is cheating and i have been cheated on so I am ultra sensitive to most of the signs. I am also pretty relationship insecure because of it lol.
His way or the highway... is easier said than done. Before we moved in together, we had broken up a couple of times and its like clock work we are drawn to each other. Everyone else I date I compare and wish it were him. My husband was easier to leave. We have a love I can not explain... he is just terrible at communicating with me.
Anyway... I understand I either accept him, or not... and that is something I am battling with. I dont want to get 5 years down the road and feel like I just wasted 5 years...
He is NEVER angry or abusive - for the record. Sometimes I wish he would get angry and tell me whats on his mind, but he just shuts down.
Last night after we talked, i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he looked me dead in the eyes and said he wasnt answering that because i should know by now if he didnt want me there, i wouldnt be there.... I asked if he loves me and his response is....do I tell you I love you?
He went on to ask me to just let him eat his dinner in peace and drop it, that i was getting all worked up over nothing.
He went to work on the truck, went to get a part, got back, fixed truck... I went to garage and told him I was going to bed, kissed him and told him i love him... he responded with "i dont know why"...
This morning when he went to work, he hugged, kissed and told me loves me.
Its like he swells up like a big bear that needs to prove he is in charge.... ok... wear the pants... I dont even want them... but just communicate a little with me. I dont need some story book romance... I just need a partner.
I tend to be all or nothing. If we fight and I upset him, I jump to the worst possible scenario and he is not the type to pull me away from the ledge... he is the type that if you arent happy, then by all means... do what you need to do to get there...
We go through this about once every 2 or 3 months... and in the meanwhile, we simply dont have issues... we dont argue...we dont yell.... (even when we fight). So it is confusing to me on what goes wrong to set off this behavior.
I have a family invested in this. I am not one to give up at first sign of unhappiness. Life isnt about being happy 100% of the time, its about finding someone that is worth working through the unhappy times.
He is not, and has never been, the lovey compassionate type. I think the new in our relationship is wearing off and its time to see the nitty gritty. I just have to figure out if the nitty gritty is worth it.