Fighting for the me I'm supposed to be
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I began this journey at 382.2 pounds in Nov. 23, 2011. I thought then my weight had reached it’s highest point and that never again would I weigh so much. I was wrong. Inspiration to lose the weight had taken me like a whirlwind after a loved one was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.
I wanted to walk in a Relay for Life as an expression of gratitude for the care given to my loved one during treatment. Unfortunately, the realization hit me that this one thing I felt was my duty to do, I could not do. Grateful for the life of this loved one who survived because of the care of skilled doctors and nurses, and the help of organizations that made that care possible, I feel like I need to do this. It’s time to give back.
I thought this motivation would be enough to change my life, but after losing 57 pounds by the first part of 2013, I lost sight of my goal and gained everything I had lost and then some.
Feeling defeated, my weight just kept climbing, all the way to up to 411.6 pounds in Dec. 2013.
I’m starting over again. Revisiting old goals. Rewriting my story, as I am doing now on my SparkPage, and it has brought tears to my eyes.
I remember not being able to easily walk across a room without pain and struggling when I started my journey in 2011. I remember the emotional pain of nearly losing someone I care deeply about and am not ready to let go of, and I remember the overwhelming love and gratitude that initially buoyed me towards a goal worthy of achieving – walking in the Relay for Life.
I never achieved that goal.
But my story is not over.
I am not finished.
I will achieve my goal.
I need a little help. Gathering my support around me, I’m back on SparkPeople, I’ve returned to my TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) meetings, I’m back in the pool for aquatherapy. My doctors support my goal and so does my family. I’m enlisting the help of those who will listen, anyone who can help.
This weight is too big for me to carry alone.
But as a part of a community, more of whom care than I probably could imagine, I will be able to achieve this goal.
I have to achieve this goal. I was meant to achieve this goal.
I’m starting once again, much like I was before in 2011, with pain and difficulty walking. I huff and I puff at the slightest exertion. The simple task of taking care of myself has become so daunting that I fight everyday to not succumb to failure.
The one thing that keeps me going, even through the imperfect times is that I know that these difficulties are only temporary. Once again, I will start getting lighter on my feet and I’ll be able to do things I couldn’t do before.
I can hardly wait. It’s time for change and I’m ready for it.
Join me on this journey, it’s going to be exciting.
I can feel it already. Something’s changing!
NOTE: Restarting my journey, I've rewritten the story which appears on my SparkPage. The above blog post is what I've written.