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Late Nite Funnies

Monday, December 16, 2013

Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves. -Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to "Big Bang Theory's" Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year. -David Letterman

It's a great day if you like meaningless awards. The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Corrupt foreign journalists who write for papers like the Amsterdam Pennysaver aren't the best judges of excellence in TV and film. -Craig Ferguson

Researchers at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model. -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves. -Conan O'Brien

In an annual list that ranks states based on how healthy they are, the healthiest U.S. state is Hawaii. Mississippi finished 50th out of the 50 states, which isn't surprising. Healthy eating is not big in Mississippi. Their state bird is the fried chicken. -Jimmy Kimmel

Barbara Walters revealed her list of the most fascinating people of the year: Robin Roberts, Jennifer Lawrence, the cast of Duck Dynasty, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Edward Snowden, and Pope Frances. What an honor it must be for the Pope! -Jimmy Kimmel

The bear population in the state of New Jersey has sky-rocketed. The rise in the population has caused over 500 complaints. Not surprisingly all the complaints have come from the bears. --Conan O'Brien

According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day. --Jimmy Fallon

It's Finnish Independence Day, everybody. Every year I celebrate by doing Finnish things, like staring out of the window and contemplating my alcoholism. -Craig Ferguson

There were huge celebrations all across Finland. By that I mean some people almost cracked a smile. -Craig Ferguson

The Finns are reserved, quiet, and really polite. That's why they're known as the Canadians of Europe, except the mayor of Helsinki doesn't smoke crack allegedly. -Craig Ferguson

Newsweek magazine recently named Finland the "overall best country in the world." I'm like, well, based on what? I actually don't know. But you can trust "Newsweek" because they're part of a desperate, dying industry. -Craig Ferguson
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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:56AM

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ALIHIKES 12/17/2013 1:07AM

    Very funny!

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