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    -WISPY-   39,342
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Finding freedom ... from me

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I am wishing you all the blessings of peace and joy that so many of us do not find at this time of year. My first sober Christmas I spent most of the time in bed trying not to think about what everyone else was doing. All my pre AA friends were out partying and I was alone, cold on the inside as well as the outside, scared and so lonely and miserable. For me emotional recovery took a long, long time. I used to be amazed at how others seemed to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in a few weeks, or months and finally even years in the AA programme. My progress has been very slow and painful, but these days I am rejoicing for everything I have been through. I would not change what I am finding now for anything else.

Why it takes some of us so long to let go is a mystery. Perhaps I was so used to thinking that the only way to get anywhere was to fight for it, that I was just unable to surrender. The saving grace for me over those early years is that I did not pick up a drink. I so wanted to 'make things work' and be the sort of person I wanted to be rather than look at who I was and accept that and learn to live within those limits.

I wanted to be healed and travel the world telling others about the wonders and power of God. I wanted to be like those, whose names are on everyone's lips. I wanted to be special.

I discovered what others can do is of no benefit to me - or anyone else. What seems to bring peace is being who I am and finding a way through the darkness that leads to peace and freedom.

I know this is something I say many times but it is the very defects themselves (many of them that I actually thought were my good points) were the very things that were standing in my way. I wanted to be good, I wanted to be spiritual, I wanted to be worthy of God's love.

That old saying about "standing in our own light" applied to me 100% but I could not see it. I could not let go of who I wanted to be and accept who I was. And yet it was at that very point, when I reached it, that things started to improve. Being a failure in everything I held most dear was the point at which I surrendered - long after accepting I was an alcoholic, I reached the place of acceptance of who I was and became willing to let go of trying to make myself be someone else.

Learning to love and accept who I was turned out to be the beginning of learning how to love, accept and forgive. I spent so long trying to be 'good' and 'do the right thing'. I am not saying all that time was wasted because it led me to where I needed to be. I can never make myself good enough. The very best I can do is surrender to a Power Greater than myself and accept what is.

Thankfully pain and suffering finally led me to that place of surrender and forced me to let go.
I accepted and began to love and take care of the lost little me that I was.

These days I never underestimate the power of these two great companions - they can be transformed into the most priceless jewels.
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTASP 12/21/2013 5:49AM

    Beautiful, thank you.
"What seems to bring peace is being who I am". Yes. I know AND I keep 'forgetting' this truth.

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CLEARNIGHTSKY 12/20/2013 10:26PM

    Wispy, you are a treasure! You are right on when you talk about accepting ourselves exactly the way we are. I need to get in prayer and meditation where my HP can reveal to me how to love myself. Thank you for your valuable share.

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Comment edited on: 12/20/2013 10:26:49 PM

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MRS_DISHES 12/17/2013 4:11PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WATERMELLEN 12/16/2013 7:50PM

    Thanks to KALIGIRL for sending me over to read your very moving and profound blog. No point in "trying to be good", really none . . . counter productive even. Gotta be the unique being who is . . . me. And you. And each one of us.

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WISLNDR 12/16/2013 5:06PM

    Once again, you've made a difference in people's lives with this beautiful blog. Thank you for sharing all the important things you've learned in this life!

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Comment edited on: 12/16/2013 5:07:08 PM

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NOWYOUDIDIT 12/16/2013 4:46PM

    Beautifully said Wispy!

I started drinking at 12, my parents were alcoholics. Alcohol was everywhere. By age 20 I was married 1 year with a 1 year old daughter. I looked around and realized I did not want my daughter to look at me like I looked at my parents. I never looked back. Never drank again. Until 2008 New Years- had a 7 oz. beer after we lost a friend who was closer than a family member.

But my husband had his own addiction demon that he did not give up until 3 years ago- that nearly destroyed us all. His war was our war.

I now see the gift I was given to be able to walk away from alcohol. But it was a lonely existence. Never invited to parties etc because no one enjoyed the sober person's (me)presence.

My precious momma became a Christian (not a religion ;o) in her late 50s and at age 80 I adore her. All is forgiven, and ever so slowly forgotten, wounds healed slowly- but they healed!

I chase peace relentlessly. But JOY always finds me when I most need it!

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MADEIT3 12/16/2013 3:57PM

    So true and for some of us, so difficult to do. Thanks for sharing this part of your life.

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SHERRY666 12/16/2013 2:55PM


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TWINSFITBY40 12/16/2013 10:47AM

    Wow Wispy. That was very well said. You have expressed yourself so well that I can feel your words in my own life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Great to hear you are taking care of you... Have a blessed day... Maria
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KALIGIRL 12/16/2013 9:34AM

    Wonderful as usual, my friend, but also very powerful for those of us who are ''trying to be good'' instead of living our lives "standing in our own light"...
I for one, know yours shines brightly!
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PHOENIX1949 12/15/2013 8:18PM

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Have a Blessed Christmas and Happy New Year!

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CANDOK1260 12/15/2013 6:50PM

    emoticon for sharing this great blog emoticon on putting your life on the right track

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TOKIEMOON 12/15/2013 6:42PM

    You so eloquently described the beginning of the 12 Steps. Until I read this blog, I never realized that the same thing that makes a diet work, is the same thing that living a sober life requires. Namely, that we must 1st learn to love ourselves AS WE ARE. Improvements will come, if and when we truly accept ourselves for who we are today.

Thanks, Wispy, for showing me how this is an all important step to take before we attempt to change anything about us.
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