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In Mourning

Sunday, December 15, 2013

A few hours after I posted my last blog my Mom called me to tell me that my Grandpa had been taken to the ER in Davis. We had the day off, unexpectedly, and rushed over there to see Grandpa, and be support to my Mom. The next few days were spent in the hospital with all of the family members that could make it here. We reminisced about the good old days and laughed, hugged and cried. It was a really great feeling having all of the family around. But slowly, each person had to get back to their "regular" life, and they began to leave. By Tuesday the last two left, and it was just my Mom, sister, husband and I left to be with Grandpa and watch as the inevitable unfolded. Grandpa expressed that he did not want a feeding tube, so when the pnuemonia, seizure and stroke lead to his inability to swallow, it was just a slow dehydration/starvation process from then on. My Mother and I took turns sitting around the clock from Tuesday until Friday morning when he eventually passed aways. Those four days were tortorous for us, I began to devolop severe panic symptoms including pain in my chest and heavy breathing. I didn 't sleep for very much for over 48 hours, finally the night Grandpa died I stayed home to sleep because I was in such a bad state physically and emotionally.

When I woke up on Friday, to find out that he'd passed away peacefully in the night, I was relieved, because that was what I was praying for. But then the waves of emotion hit, and they are still flooding over me. The only other person I have lost in my life is my Grandma, and that was many years ago. I was young, and detatched from the whole thing, and although I was sad, it didn't effect me the way my Grandpa's death has.

We are a house full of mourners now, and we are all trying to do our best to support one another, but when the tears hit, they hit. For me, right now, I am trying to get over the sight of watching him die, that was a sight I have never seen and wish to never see again. I'm not sure I could watch another loved one go through that slow dehydration/starvation process again. I know it is what he wanted, but it was truly horrible.

Anyway, I'm not going to go into anymore gruesome details of my last two weeks. My Mom goes back to work next week, and I'll probably go back on the road with Tim sometime next week or the week after. We still haven't heard wether he got the local job or not, so that's still all up in the air. We really are not prepared to move up there right now, so we'll see what happens with that. I have two weddings and my Grandpa's funeral coming up. So, I really need to be down here to be able to easily go to all of these events.

I really hope you are all doing well. I am looking forward to trying to have a decent Christmas, not sure if that is fully possible, but I am going to try to. Looking forward to checking in on all of your blogs to catch up with what is going on in Spark World. Love you guys. Hugs.
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    i had a whole comment written and the cat erased it, lets try this again. sorry i am so late in reading this and offering my deep condolences. your grandpa was a lovely man and character who's spark will continue to resonate through your life. when you think of him, he's there with you. i am not very spiritual, but that is something i do believe. i feel even closer to my gramma now, after 10 years she's been gone, than i possibly did when she was alive. when i accomplish a new goal i know she'd be happy and that makes me feel like i am living up to the potential she always saw in me. i hope the happy memories will be a comfort to you this holiday season. hope you and tim can cuddle up and enjoy some downtime to strengthen you for your next adventure. xoxo.
    1551 days ago
    Allow the tears to fall. You were blessed to be able to be there.
    1553 days ago
    So sorry to hear of your loss. My sister and I went through this a few years ago with my Grandmother. My parents were on a trip and able to get back before the end happened. She wanted to die in her home so hospice helped us alot. I do have special memories of the time as the first few days in her home, she was coherent. I would sleep on one side of her and my sister slept on the other as she would try to get out of bed. We had many great talks with her and built some great memories. I try not to think about the bad memories, changing her after she'd have an accident (she was so dignified, that would bother her), trying to get her to eat and making Oatmeal at 4 in the morning due to her wanting something to eat.

    I slept for a few days straight after the funeral and cried many nights. You were there for him and he knew you were there.
    1557 days ago
    It is hard to lose a loved one and when the holiday season comes it is even harder because you miss them even more. So sorry for your loss.
    1559 days ago
    My deepest condolences in the loss of your Grandfather. I too would encourage you to seek out grief counselling.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1559 days ago
    emoticon I'm sorry.
    1559 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    I held my dad's hand as he died in similar fashion. Worst weekend of my life, but I HAD to be there. Hugs. I totally know how you feel!

    I wish for you peace and, despite this, a reason to sing this Christmas.
    1559 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    I am very sorry for the loss of your Grandpa. Be gentle with yourself and your family as you all mourn. I encourage you to find a grief support group perhaps through a local hospice or your place of worship. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    1560 days ago
    My heart goes out to you. I do not know but understand what you have been through. I held my mother's hand as she crossed over.

    You will get through this and he will always be with you.
    1560 days ago
    emoticon Death is not a very good thing, we were there to see my husbands cousin go through exactly the same and we said the same as you we would not like to go through that with a loved one again.
    1560 days ago
    My heart and prayers goes to you and your family. In 1991 I was hit by a car and went flatline brain and heart for seven minutes, I came back, but what I learned is this, life does not end it is merely transformed to another better more tranquil state that is indescribable. Your grandfather is at peace were he went. I hope hearing this helps.
    1560 days ago
    Soon you will have only good memories of your Grandpa and will rejoice in the time he had on Earth and you had with him.

    My sympathy is with you through your sadness
    1560 days ago
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