Saturday, December 14, 2013
This is a personal and personally honest blog, it probably contains TMI in places. Please don't read on if you are going to be offended.
I really am vain, I want people to think I look good, I want to look good, at least 60% of the reason I have lost weight is vanity pure and simple. And vanity is probably 60% of the reason I keep stalling at around the 10stone mark and regaining. I am terrified of sagging skin, of having to lift a flap of skin to bathe under it. I remember when I started loosing weight I read somewhere that if you loose over 4st you will have saggy skin, 10st is just over 3st lost for me - it is 'safe'.
To be honest I would be happy if I could just vacuum half a stone off my pooch, the rest of me is okay, and with toning only gets better. But I hate, hate, hate my belly area. Even as a child I hated the bulbous belly I saw on 'old' women. and now I am that 'old' woman with the fatty abdomen.
Currently I am taking pics of my belly for 2 reasons:
1) So I can see my progress - I seem to be incapable of remembering how I was and constantly beat myself up with how far I have to go.
2) To get over myself - it is a belly, it has carried 2 children to term, and a lot of extra weight. It is not the worst pooch out there, and really not that bad for a 42-year old mum.
I spend a lot of time moisturising my body; creams, oils, butters; anything that might help. At the moment I am particularly aware of my skin, I have been loosing weight, after creeping back up to 11st, and I can feel the way I have extra folds in my skin, as the fat goes, and the muscle grows deflating the body under the skin. So now I am trying to encourage the skin to un-stretch. Some time I feel like a balloon, and I just hope I haven't inflated myself once too often.
Back to the vanity theme - I have been really focused on loosing weight and toning up for the past 8-weeks or so because I want to look good on the 21st at the gig I am going to. I want my old friend to think I look good too. I haven't seen him in 21 years, he has a girlfriend, I am married and there is never likely to be anything between us, as his sexual preferences are darker than mine, but I want to be desired, and desirable. (This is particularly poignant as on 23rd December it will be 5-years since I have had sex)
The point of my ramblings - I need to decide what I want - and where vanity fits into the picture, because for me it does, and if that is the reason I get fitter and healthier surely it is a good thing.
Nuff said - moving on