Friday, December 13, 2013
If you get defensive or offended easily than this is not the blog for you. I just needed to get this out of my head for a while now and it's finally coming to words I can express.
I am not sure why but tonight I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I feel so down and out. I feel like a good cry is in the near future but the tears just wonít come to me. I think it might have something to do with going to the womenís care office today for blood work. Iíve been having a tough time seeing all these pregnant women. I canít help but to feel depressed for a while afterwards. Luckily I wasnít in the waiting room long before the nurse called me back. I got 4 full tubes of blood drawn to check hormone levels at this point in my cycle [day 3]. Didnít take long at all and then she gave me the paperwork for next week Thursdayís HSG. Just have to get the prescription filled to take the night before and pick up some Aleve for the day of before the test. Iím trying not to think about the test as I have heard itís painful but I am looking forward to knowing the results. I donít care what people say or think, I am doing this for me because itís something *I* need to do for myself. Money really has no factor for me when it comes to something like this. I hear people say that they would do anything it takes for their kids, well the same applies here.
I think part of the reason why I struggle too is because people always seem to have something to say about pregnancy, kids, money, testing, etc. Hearing that I will have kids eventually isnít helping, and neither is telling me that I shouldnít have a kid right now because Iím overweight, donít have a good job, enough money, a house of my own, because Iím in therapyÖ..need I say more? I am having a hard time dealing with these conversations because nothing I say can make people realize what itís like to feel this way. I feel broken, hurt, and unloved and that is just the surface. Try going to therapy and explaining yourself when your therapist either has kids (past therapist) or is a male and has no clue (one I currently see). Try explaining why you turn to cutting yourself to take the pain away to someone who could never come close to understanding. Yeah, go ahead and tell me that I have only been trying for 19 months and that you know someone that has been trying for way longer. Does it really matter when each month feels like the same roller coaster of emotions no matter how long we have been trying? What about the feeling of wanting a baby since you were 6 years old, but yet living life according to your faith and waiting until marriage to even think about sex? Shows that a person can do all the right things and it doesnít even matter. Oh yeah, and the anger that comes when I watch a movie with any sort of pregnancy. I mean, because itís SO realistic for a woman to get knocked up the first time she has sex. Good to know that we have such realistic ideals in this world.
Iím just so sick of pretending that everything is okay because itís not okay. I am not okay. My therapist may think I am but clearly Iím not. And the problem lies that I am not sure of how to fix it, short of getting pregnant and having a baby. But then I get from some that having a baby is not going to help my situation. Oh really, and how would you know that? Pretty sure Iím the only one that can determine that on my own. So thanks, but no thanks.