Thursday, December 12, 2013
I am in a toxic relationship. If I could just stop the relationship and move on, I would. But I cannot! Sigh my relationship revolves around food! I cannot just give it up, like I did cigarettes because I need it to survive!
My relationship is a love/hate type thing. But this relationship has always been with me. I cannot get rid of it so I have to manage it. I have to make this relationship what I want it to be.
Food has been with me through every event in my life. I have never turned my back on it, nor it on me! When I was sad, it comforted me, when I was happy it celebrated with me, when I was bored, it entertained me, when I was angry, it was my vent, when I was lonely it was my companion, it was my Friday night entertainment, (burger king and chocolate bars)! Food has been a constant companion.
My way of thinking has changed lately though. My motivation to lose weight has squashed the importance of food in my life. I was always concerned about having food and lots of food. yummy delicious food. I have not seen food for what it actually is in a long time.
Food is a source of fuel for my body. Food exists to serve me and my body. It enables me to move, think breath and live. It should not enslave me. That is what it has felt like over the last few years. I have been a slave to the taste, texture and thought of food. The Crunchy saltinessof crackers/chips, the dense chewiness of a bagel, the sweet taste of sugar.... all have enslaved me. So much that if I was in a meeting and a tray of muffins arrived I lost all my focus re the topic at hand. All I could think about was,,,...mmmmm...I wonder what kind there are, I wonder when we can eat them, should I have one first, can I have two? And my mouth would water!!! This happened constantly. Food was number 1! I thought about it constantly and anticipated when I could eat again!!! Food controlled me for a very long time.
When I started this journey, I felt like I was taking on a battle. Me and food...head to head....who would win????? Again this is not a good relationship. I need to come to terms with what food really is and put it in the right place in my life. This is what this journey is all about. I am changing my relationship with food.
It is working however. When I think of putting a meal together now I think of my calories almost as money and I am always budgeting. I allow myself to eat whatever I want really but I am always trying to stretch my calories as far as they can go. So I pick things that are lowest in calories that will keep me satisfied. Essentially my head space does not resolve around anything as being forbidden, which could set me off on a feeding frenzy!!!, but on managing the calories I have in my bank on a daily basis and when I run out, my calorie bank is empty and I am done eating. The result is that I am eating lean protein and lots of vegs with small amounts of healthy oils and healthy carbs! My daily indulgence is peanut butter which I have trouble living without!! So I have it for breakfast on toast and it keeps me full and satisfied until lunchtime!!! I have to eat stuff I like too, but in the interest of budgeting my calories, I have to make healthy choices. It is a new way of thinking about food.
I remember when I was quitting smoking there were times when I really craved a cigarette, I would say to myself "having a cigarette will not help ( whatever problem I was dealing with at the time)" and then I just wouldn't have it. I have fallen into the same way of thinking about food now. When I really really want something I ask myself if this will help the issue at hand and of course it won't, so I just won't have what I am craving! I also think back on all my motivators as well and I stay strong. ( most times) lol the battle still continues!!!
Anyway my new relationship with food is still evolving. I am enjoying it and I am amazed with how I am managing to slowly change it. It makes me feel powerful, like I have taken back the control food had over me.
That is my motivator for today. My evolving relationship and the power it gives me!