I need a fresh start
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Today I woke up to a terrible back ache and a mess in the house. Our pipes burst in the laundry room yesterday. UGH. what a mess, that's never happened before. I called about 15 different plumbers and they said it would be AT LEAST a week before anyone would be out. The one thing that struck me after I stubbornly cleaned out 1/2 a foot of water, moved the appliances out, tore apart the drywall, found the burst pipes, removed them with a hacksaw and sheer strength, went to Home Depot, bought the appropriate parts, went back home and fixed my own plumbing...was how, for not even one second, did I freak out. I didn't cry. I wasn't upset. I was matter-of-fact about it all on the phone to the plumbers, my parents, my husband...I was numb to a scenario that could have meant thousands of dollars spent and a week or two without water, living in a motel with 4 cats and 2 dogs.
But...when I see a touching commercial, I burst out crying. When I feel like my boss is upset with me, I cry and lose quite a bit of sleep. When I feel like I didn't do a good job at work, I obsess about it and let it completely shoot my confidence. I can't handle FB and have been avoiding the general public as much as I can. I stay holed up in my house on my days off. I freak out constantly about not being able to carry a baby, worrying about whether or not a client likes me, etc. These are the things that cause me to lose my mind.
A flooded house and burst pipes? No biggie.
Now, some would say that's a good thing. I say, am I so messed up that I can't tell the difference between what deserves my tears and frustrations and what doesn't? Or is all of my energy spent worrying and obsessing about the wrong things, the things that don't matter?
Should I really care that I'm not the most popular doctor at our clinic? What does that even mean? I have been there 1.5 years, everyone else has been there 6-35 years. So 15% of my clients actually want to see me and the rest have no choice because their doctor of choice is unavailable or they honestly just don't really have any preference one way or the other. With time, shouldn't those numbers switch places as I create a client base? I know it will. But I still obsess about not being the most popular.
I had a very important conversation with Zvika today. I told him I think I'm done trying to have a baby. We've been talking about IVF, which will cost $30,000. What I told him today, is that we could spend $30,000 today and be almost 100% assured that in up to a year we'd be holding a child of our own - maybe not an infant...but I'd be happy with a 1-2 year old. Or we can spend $30,000 for a chance at a baby that we may not get. With adoption, a positive outcome is nearly guaranteed if we go through a good agency. With IVF, there is no guarantee. Most importantly, it would take my mind off of trying for a baby. I'd have something else to focus on. So maybe we adopt a kid or even siblings and I don't worry about having a biological baby - maybe it ends up happening anyway. So maybe we get that little miracle. Or maybe we never do and we just have a few adopted kids. Either way, I know we'd be happy. I've told Zvika to seriously consider it...because as of now he does not want to adopt. But we really had a heart-to-heart, and I hope he really heard me. We'll see how it goes.
Diet-wise, doing ok. I'm on Day 7 of the Beck Diet Solution and I'd say I'm giving it about 60%, which is just not enough. I need to go back and revisit days 1-6 over and over until the lessons become habit. I haven't been following WW for a couple of weeks now, because of Thanksgiving and now I'm not supposed to officially start to diet until Day 15. I'm also not weighing myself until then.
Therapy is actually going really well. I am happy to go and wish I could go weekly, but we can't afford it.
Only 9 more days until Zvika's new job is supposed to start...although we thought it would start Nov 15 and then got pushed to Dec 20. I just hope it all works out. We need to start leading normal lives again and soon.
Yet again, I sit here thinking about every day I've avoided logging on to SP, which is not my intent. I just get so bogged down in my negative thinking. I'll try to be better. It's all I can do.