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    MAMADWARF   44,644
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i fell into the trap

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

You know the one. Where we tell ourselves that we are tired of all this. Screw it, I will eat what I want, when I want. That I don't care.

Then, you get that wake up call. That moment when:

Your blood work shows you are diabetic again. Remember how proud you were that you beat it 2 years ago?

When you are scared to get on the scale, because you KNOW, YOU KNOW what you weigh and you're scared to face it.

When your body is falling apart and you can barely sit, sleep, walk or move without pain.

When you go and buy those size 22's because the 20's are too tight. Yea you were down to size 18's not that long ago.

When your husband rolls out that speech he used to give you about exercise and just eating a little less. Yea, he noticed you have gained weight.

So what am I gonna do about it.

I know what I need to do, I know how to do this, I know I have support and tools and resources.

I feel like I need to get through my biopsy surgery Friday and see what's ahead. Will I need a hysterectomy? Do I have cancer? (I'm not scared it will kill me, I'm just intimidated by the fight to beat it. I'm scared to even have it in me, ya know?)
Do I start small, even while all the holiday crap is upon me? Go full out assault right now? Wait for the first of the year? Make small steps? Fall back into tracking?

Its all separate but related.

I have lost my way. My goals need to be reset. I need to deal with the medical issues, one thing at a time I guess.

Can you tell I'm overwhelmed? Have you known me to back down from a fight? I may be down but I'm not out. I just need to reorganize. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your support, love and always being here for me. I will let you know how surgery goes Friday.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REMEMBER2BME 12/15/2013 7:07AM

    WOW, this sounds just like me thinking aloud. Thinking aloud is what works for me. I have decided for me baby steps. I may not be ready to go all out but there are things we can do daily to make ourselves proud and be a reminder that WE ARE IN CONTROL.
emoticon Water - I personally am failing this stupid easy one. Not too easy for me I guess. I will get there and so will you.

BECAUSE WE ARE STRONG.

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BRAINYBLONDE5 12/13/2013 3:48PM

    thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs your way! you are strong enough to handle anything emoticon

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DAISY443 12/12/2013 8:58PM

    Luv ya, with all your doubts and fears! That means you are human and that is a very good thing! I'm with ya and know whatever happens you will conquer! Hang on!

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BIGMAMAT 12/11/2013 10:43PM

    I have no great insight,or words of wisdom. All I can offer you is prayer, and the promise I am always with you in spirit . emoticon love you.

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IMIN2GENES 12/11/2013 8:56PM

    Sending lots of prayers your way! I can't imagine you backing down from a fight. It does all sound quite scary and overwhelming. Take a big, deep breath then put one foot in front of the other. Hope things go well on Friday!
Chris
emoticon


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1CRAZYDOG 12/11/2013 8:25PM

    (((((HUGS)))) Yes, you are overwhelmed, and rightfully so. You do NOT seem like a woman who is going to back down from a challenge, so just keep fighting. Heaps of prayers for you on Friday.

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AAAACK 12/11/2013 1:20PM

    Aw, I know these feelings so well. And speaking as someone who is persistently overwhelmed, I can say that trying to go full out assault has only worked for me for short periods of time because of the overwhelmedness (like my new word?). Anyway, the main thing I'd say for now is just think about who you'd like to be today, and be it today. I mean in your head. Like would you like to be the person who breathes and listens to music that makes you soothed? Or would you like to be the person who listens to music that makes you want to get up and fight anything in your path? Or...whatever in between, just make it right for you, not someone else's idea of what you should be like today. You have a lot to deal with right now, a LOT. But you will. Deal with it, I mean. You just will.

I don't know how I get through some things, I just get through as imperfectly as I need to, sometimes a bit fatter than I'd like, but I'm working on it. And a month from now I know I'll want to look back and like who I was today. That's what I'm trying to do. I don't know if it'll work for you, but I hope you find your "sweet spot" soon, and I hope Friday goes really really well. I'm rooting for you! Good vibes, good vibes.
emoticon

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JITZUROE 12/11/2013 11:50AM

    I've never known you to back down. EVER. Yes it's a stressful time, and this week is a BIG one for you with your surgery, but I KNOW you can make small steps each day, shoot, each hour of needed, that will help you so much.
Take it one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up. You are too amazing too allow guilt and a funky attitude into your world right now.

We're all here for you. I mean it. Let us help! Let us be a shoulder to cry on and an arena to bounce ideas off of and encourage.

We love you.
And I know you will kick those 22's to the curb soon... YES YOU WILL!!
Bren

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HGSGUY 12/11/2013 9:15AM

    Thoughts and prayers with you . Hope things go extremely well for you on Friday.

Since I met you on SP, I have not known you to back away from a challenge. I am sure that once you see clearly what is going on, what you need to do, and a plan for doing it, you will meet it head on!

We are here to help!

Mike

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TREASURINGLIFE 12/11/2013 8:45AM

    Yeah - can tell you're overwhelmed...and no - never known you to back down from a fight.

I can't offer much advice, since weight-loss wise I'm in the same boat as you...but I can offer you support and prayers and well-wishes. And so I shall.

(((hugs)))

Goo
d luck on Friday!

- Michelle

Comment edited on: 12/11/2013 8:45:59 AM

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COLUMBINE2 12/11/2013 12:16AM

    You have every right to feel overwhelmed. And I'm absolutely confident you will work it out and find your way...successfully..in all aspects.

You're right ... you have the love & support of SPers you've never met who care deeply about your well-being. We're with you ...shoulder to shoulder..you just can't see us. Hopefully you can feel our friendship, prayers and solidarity with you. Every hour, every day, through every decision, twist and turn, up & down.

Stay strong..you're not down...you're figuring out your strategy to succeed. And you will.
Big, big hugs in friendship! emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/11/2013 12:21:40 AM

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