Tuesday, December 10, 2013
For me the month of December has always been that month where a black cloud tends to hover right above me...never quite pouring down on me but just dark enough to feel its presence. Let me explain...more so for me than any reader out here. Sometimes it's just easier for me to write things down, somewhere that i can go back on a later date and reread...it's easier for me to capture why i feel a certain way when i write it all down...i need it to stare me in the face to truly understand it.
In my heart December is the month where family gets together old and young, new and well seasoned. We come together to celebrate with one another over drinks and good food. Maybe that's what my heart has always longed for because it's not at all what i've ever had.
Growing up we always had gifts but they came at a hefty price. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a stay at home mom. He's often get his paycheck, cash it and go out drinking. How did i know this? They rarely hid anything from us - i mean they didn't cover up their screaming matches or fights - by fights i mean they'd both walk away with hair pulled out or black eyes. As a kid what did i know...i thought this was the norm.
Sure, we'd always have a tree with gifts underneath it all wrapped up in shiny paper...but what was under the tree was not anything i ever really wanted. The games were nice. The dolls were adorable. But what i wanted you couldn't wrap up.
Even as a young kid i remember wanting things like a hug from one of them. I wanted to hear my dad say he loved me.
dammit...even typing this i have to pause because i refuse to cry about it.
I wanted security. I wanted to know that things were going to be ok. I wanted to feel safe. But growing up that's not what i ever received.
My first memory that i can recall happened around Christmas. I was somewhere in the rang of 3 to 4 years old. My dad was drunk...again...and my mother refused to allow him in our apartment. How do i remember that at such an early age? Because of this...regardless of how hurtful he was, he was still my daddy. What little girl didn't want their daddy's love? Anyways, he stopped pounding. My brothers and i went into a bedroom and started to watch tv when all of a sudden my dad jumped through the window from the fire escape. Glass went everywhere. My younger brother, being about 2yrs old started screaming due to all of the noise. I remember watching my dad pick him up and throw his across the room...THUMP was the sound as his little body hit the wall and slid to the floor. My older brother being about 10yrs old grabbed me by the hand and my little brother who was screaming (thankfully not dead looking back at it when i was older to fully understand what happened and what could have happened) and took us to a neighbors place while my parents fought. This was common. It was normal.
Fast forward to my being married. I was with him for a total of almost 10yrs. I THINK we spent about 4 of those Christmas's together. The others? There was always some excuse...work, he would pick a fight and storm out (i don't yell so it was basically him screaming for no reason like a fool and storming out). Looking back he went to spend Christmas with one of his girlfriends.
If i go back to Chicago during Christmas i spend it with one of my closest girlfriends and her family. But her husband likes to make snide comments about how i'm not really family.
The month of December...it's that month that i aim to just get through and survive. It's my "gloomy" month. I guess it really starts at Thanksgiving for me, but...
Every year I look at December and it reminds me of everything that i don't have...
I don't have family...i don't have children...i don't have someone to tell me that they love me...I still wish for that hug from someone...I still want that sense of security...i want to know that everything will be ok...I want to feel safe.
December...that month that seems to showcase all of my dreams that are still floating around out there unanswered and not to be seen...
I don't walk around looking or acting depressed. Quite the opposite. I'm the one that gives EVERYONE a card and some small gift. I want others to know that someone is thinking about them. I try to make so many others feel special. I never know when or if someone out there feels the way i do and i want to place a smile on their faces...even if on this side of heaven i may never realize it.
I'm typically great with words of affirmation. I love to tell people just how special they are and what great accomplishments they have made, because what if i'm the ONLY one that has ever said it to them? If i love someone, i'm not scared to say it or express it...the down fall of this...the ONLY downfall is that my heart gets crushed when i never receive it in return.
Why are people so afraid to be loving and caring? Sometimes just a simple hug can make someones day be the shining star in their ever dark world...sigh...
this woman will continue to hope for what she wants, but in the mean time i'll continue to love and care for others without reservation...
Oh December...we are half way through...