Monday, December 09, 2013
Hello All! I hope everyone's weekend when well!
Friday was my dad's birthday. I made him and cherry cheesecake pie, that sat uneaten until 28 hours later on Saturday. He didn't want it on Friday because of a late lunch and his coworkers got him cookies from a local bakery, which he proceeded to bring home.
Now, I have an issue. My favorite cookie is chocolate chip, but I can't for the life of me find a great recipe. I found a decent recipe, good enough...but still not great. Now this place has GREAT chocolate chip cookies. And well, paired with the fact that I had gotten sick that day and I was on my period, I couldn't resist a few bites.
Plus dad brought home cornbread. I normally wouldn't have made a big deal, but he seemed really proud of himself that he brought me some. So I went ahead and ate half of it. It's one of those small ones you get at Boston Market, so it wasn't that bad.
Saturday I was still in keto. But my period cravings was worse. Dad and I went to breakfast. I did really well, and passed up my favorite brulee french toast (and yes you read that correctly). I had an omelet instead. It was good, but came with toast. So I had half a piece of rye toast, and boy was it good. Dad had the rest, plus I got a piece of his bacon, so fair trade. It kinda made me queasy though, eating so much when I had so little the day before. I also was still tired and not feeling well. I actually pulled a mom, and fell asleep in the chair for an hour or so.
That evening, I was STILL in keto, even after eating a cookie. So I went ahead and had a small piece of pie. It was good. Was it great? I find very little to be excellently delicious anymore, but I didn't want to miss an opportunity.
Sunday I was still in keto, if just barely. I went ahead and did pretty good, and my keto levels seemed to rise. So that evening I indulged in yet another cookie and piece of pie.
Of course, this morning, I was out of keto. Which makes me feel tired and achy. Also I notice that when I get out of keto, my depression worsens and I everything seems so bad. Everything gets worse, my anxiety, my self esteem. Everything.
Plus it doesn't help that my I had to bite the bullet and take something for my stomach last night. It made this morning a non-workout morning.
But I still worked out. Yes, I was planning on not doing so. I wasn't in the mood, I'm tired, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I knew that if I did workout I would go back into keto faster. I had already had something to eat, so I waited for my stomach to settle down. I went ahead and worked out. But right as I was beginning to start I had some heart burn, which meant I was slightly nauseous. So I didn't go as hard as I would normally go, and I felt really bad about not putting in the work. But I didn't feel 100%. Not sick, just not well. I even did my Zumba after hoping that would help improve my mood. It did not.
So do I regret pushing myself out of keto? Yes I do. Keto helps with a few things, but going in and out of it, makes things worse. My longest stint so far since starting on Nov 4, has been 10 days of ketosis. And after about the 7th day, things were looking good. I was sleeping better, my energy level was good. And I didn't have any cravings. But because of the way my period has been coming, holidays, and sweet treats that aren't normally around the house, issues have come.
To be honest, even though before I was looking forward to eating "normally" on Christmas, I really don't want to. I know my mom and dad will make a big deal of it though. I might be able to get away with it after that though. Late January is my birthday, so I mention a keto friendly place they might not notice. February 1st is my mom's birthday so as long as she doesn't request a baked good, I might get away with that day. I could always do cookies, so that way she can take them to work.
I know this might sound extreme, but I really feel mentality awful. I feel like crying. I feel like digging myself hole to live in for the rest of my life. I feel like I am one of the worse beings on the face of the planet. And that's just the depression talking. It doesn't include the fact that when someone looks at me my social anxiety goes crazy and I actually physically run away. And that when my dad starts laughing while looking at me, the first thing out of my mouth is "What did I do?" Which makes him pissed and go "Not everything is about you..." You see where I am going with this. Keto helps not just the scale to go down, but my mentality as well. I'm still not 100% while on keto, but Saturday while in keto I could see myself going and dropping off that application at the cat shelter...today, I am thinking why bother.
Okay...so now I'm on the verge of tears. Depression and anxiety are a funny thing. You know what you think and feel is wrong, but you just can't help actually feeling and thinking that way. I like the bear analogy. If a bear starts to attack you, you feel scared and run away. But having anxiety is like facing bear when there is no bear. Same feelings, same thoughts, same fight or flight hormonal response...but there is no bear.
Okay, well that's all for me. I think I might take a shower and then a nap. Bye guys! Wish me luck that getting back into keto is fast and painless.