Monday, December 09, 2013
I'm tired. Tired, drained out, fed up. Is it worth it any more?
It seems like, except online, people only notice me when they want something from me. Aside from that I don't exist. Except for my son, anybody I've ever known in person who said they loved me lied to me. They only wanted me for what I could do for them, what they could use me for. Aside from that, it's their privilege to abuse me in any way that amuses them or to ignore me entirely.
Sixty years of fight to get -- where? Here?
Okay, I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm whining, that I need to "count my blessings." Yes, I have a car. I have to pray to it to get it started in the morning, and I'm just waiting for it to die. Yes, I have a job. People talk about careers and vocations and being happy in your work. That's never been a factor in my life. I work because I have to, at a job where I never know if I'm the superstar or the cause of the department's every problem.
I feel like I'm a fat, bloated, ugly, useless blob. I hide from the world because I've been judged and stepped on so many times, and not just for my size. People ridicule for my intellect, my tastes, even my ethnicity. But my weight gives them carte blanche. People tell me to ignore them, but you can only do that so many times. If I express any anger, they just laugh.
I feel like I'm in freefall with no parachute. Is there a point to this any more? Is life REALLY going to be any better? Right now I hate myself and I hate my life.