Monday, December 09, 2013
I have thought about writing this blog every day for the past few weeks, even have it on my "to do" list. But when it comes down to it, I just haven't had the patience and courage to put into words how bad I've been feeling.
For the past year, I have resisted temptations, gotten my depression under control and learned to listen to my body when it comes to food and exercise. But in the past two months, I have really been struggling. I have lost weight, even got out of the "obese" category for the first time in more than a decade, but the two weeks ago I gave in to a craving and I have not been able to really stop.
That's not entirely true, I could stop if I wanted to, but what if I don't want to? What if I am finding that my weight was a great way to hide from the world? What if I look back at when I was my heaviest and at least I knew my life was predictable? And now that I'm getting healthier, life is getting harder?
For months, I've been able to keep my "you can't do it" voice muted, but in the past few weeks, along with wicked strong cravings, that voice of self doubt is back. And then I give in to the cravings and the voice gets louder..."see I knew you couldn't do it." It's a terrible voice and I have the hardest time quieting it down again.
The worst over the past few weeks has been the depression by far. I am an emotional person, but I felt like I had been hit by a truck this time. It came literally from left field and I had been feeling so good! I think it has more to do with the change in the weather, not getting enough sun, etc. but that doesn't help me to treat it at all. I have not totally given in and spent a day or more in bed, but it has been a fight to get up and going each day. And I know that I'm not in the best of moods every day either. This has to be hard for the people around me, but I don't feel like I can really talk about these things at work, no matter how close I might think I am to someone. They just see the person I show them.
Last week my colleague was meeting with a student who had gained some weight over the past year and I was called in to talk with the student, show her a "success" story and when I finally left that office about 30 minutes later, I felt like such a fraud. I told her all the good things, the suggestions I had, etc. but I didn't tell her about the uncontrollable urge to eat pounds of chocolate at a time or to overindulge on a regular basis. I didn't tell her how much I would have given to have a soda that day, or how I was day dreaming about candy while talking with her about losing weight. I was so upset and frustrated with myself.
And it's the holidays, which means I am seeing family that I never see and they all have advice for me. I know it's coming from a good place, but I really want to tell them that they have no idea what will help me because I don't know. I don't know how I woke up one day last December, decided to get healthy and then just as quickly, the end of November shows up and I wake up one day ready to sabotage all of the hard work I've done.
But what if this is what it's like for me forever? Never being able to treat myself because it turns into crazy binge session? Always having to worry about what food will be available or when I will make my next batch of yogurt, which takes 24 hours to do and requires attention to exactly 24 to 25 hours of fermenting? I'm struggling right now to see the benefits of this life. I'm eating healthier than I have ever eaten and my stomach/digestive system are still not happy with me. Will that ever change?
I love working out with my trainer and doing 5k events, but during the week I seem to get "stuck" in my own mind, in my depression as of lately and it's incredibly frustrating. I know that I've seen a lot of success over the past months. I had lost 92 pounds, but then I put on seven again. I've come to terms with not losing 100 pounds in a year, although I'm disappoined, but I can really only blame myself. Self-sabotage has been a part of my story since for as long as I can remember. How do I combat it this time? Although even as I'm writing this, I am envisioning myself going the store tonight and stocking up on the candy I'll eat. And then I tell myself that I can't go to the store, but then I think, why not?
So, that's what has kept me away for the past couple months. I have had lots of great success, great experiences and completed a 10k event. But underneath the facade, I'm still the fat girl with self-esteem issues and when those issues come to the surface, I want to eat away my feelings. It is that simple and that complicated. So for the rest of 2013, I will reflect on where I've been, where I want to go and how to get there. I will start the 2014 year off right and will not get derailed over the holidays. Now I just have to really believe those statements and not put off starting til "tomorrow."
As always, thanks for reading/listening. Sorry for the depressing blog, but it is probably good for me to stop holding all of this in and see what other people have to say about what I've been going through.