Sunday, December 08, 2013
Hello Beautiful Sparkers! Hope you're all having a great weekend!
The past few days have been kind of rough - my grandfather's health quickly declined and is now in hospice. He was given 2-3 days and today is day 5, so at this point we're playing the waiting game. Every text or phone call I get my first thought is, "Is that Mom calling to tell me Grandpa is dead?" I wasn't handling it very well. I have no experience with someone dying and me being affected by it, as horrible as that sounds. Grandpa and I weren't even close per say, and honestly, it really caught me off guard when the tears started rolling. I had no idea his passing would have such an effect on me because I handled other deaths so well. Once I started thinking about it, it made more sense. My family is not close, and we're not very family oriented to each other (I'm a black sheep in my family in that way). But my Grandmpa and Grandma were at the center of all my happy childhood memories before we became dysfunctional and distant from each other. Even though we haven't all been together like that in a long time (both my Grandma and Grandpa had been deteriorating and went to a nursing home over the past year) it still didn't hit me until the past few days everything that is no more. No more clambakes, no more arts and crafts, no more games of pokerkeno, or strategy games, or watching movies downstairs in their old house that's been sold, no more Christmas's or New Years there, or painting at the table while my Mom and Grandma chit chat on the back porch. It's all gone. And it's been gone for a long time, but it didn't hit me that it won't ever come back until everything with Grandpa happened. And he hasn't been able to eat or drink for several days and they have him so doped up on morphine that he isn't aware of anything or anyone around him. He's a shell of a man who was strong, intelligent, funny, and mady in love with my grandma. He was a good man.
With all of this going on, and things being incredibly hectic at work - I just wasn't feeling motivated to do anything. I was lethargic, depressed, and would cry at random times - sometimes a few silent tears and sometimes it would erupt into a sob fest before I could pull myself together. But last night things got better for me. Yesterday I decided to brave the crowds and do some more Christmas shopping, and I met up with my parents, and spending time with my Mom and seeing her deal with it and her be strong made me feel better about things. I know she was trying to be strong and that underneath it's difficult for her, but seeing her be able to smile and laugh and talk about work things made me feel like it's ok to still have a life and get things done and that's I don't have to feel guilty about wanting to work, work out, go to my cousin's musical, have fun, etc - just because Grandpa is dying. I still feel selfish, but on the other hand, this is a lot healthier than sleeping all day and not being able to eat and crying.
Soooo - I had some making up to do in the T25 department! I thought about "starting over" again but was super against it. I didn't want to start over AGAIN, this was already my second time starting the program and I wasn't so far behind that I can't catch up! SO - Friday was supposed to be abs and yesterday was supposed to be a double day of lower focus and cardio and today was supposed to be stretch... ok, that's a lot I missed. So today I did abs and lower focus workouts. Tomorow is a regular scheduled cardio day so I didn't want to do cardio days in a row. And Wednesday, what is usually my rest day, will be a stretch day this week, and that leaves only my cardio that I'll need to make up. I'm not sure yet when I'll be making that up, but probably not until my Sunday stretch day because as I learned today, doing a double day is NO JOKE!!! It was super hard! I was drenched in sweat, my body was shaking and complete jello, my legs were lead, and holy gosh am I exhausted! But also super proud that I got up and pushed play TWICE!
So: abs and lower focus. I did lower focus first, and it is definitely my absolute favorite workout in the Alpha phase. Technically I haven't tried the stretch video yet, but of all the others, Lower Focus was amazing. It was challenging, but I could do all the moves, push myself - I was smiling and working it the whole way through. Not that I made it all the way through without some breaks, modifiers (but no knee pain today!!), and pushing myself - but something about this workout agreed with me! Loved it! The ab workout was iffy. I don't dread doing it again, but having this big belly in the way really affects my ability to do a lot of what they were doing in the beginning, which was really disheartening. But I kept telling myself, "just push through, even if you don't get everything out of it that you would if you were smaller it's still better than not doing anything at all and it's only 25 minutes. Just do it." It will be interesting to see how sore my abs are tomorrow. The other problem I had with the ab workout is that my hands and arms kept slipping and sliding on the mat from me sweating, which made some of the moves really, really difficult to do because I kept sliding out of them. Next time I will either need to use my own yoga mat that has pleats on it, or put a towel of somesort over the mat that the program came with (which by the way, is soft and cushiony enough to sleep on! So thick and soft!)
I moved my scale out of my bathroom and into my closet where I won't see it or remember about it. I made this decision after reading a blog a couple of days ago and it inspired me and reminded me that it's not about the pounds lost - it's about being healthy! No matter how much I tell myself it's not about losing weight, I still get hung up on that scale. When I see a loss I'm proud of myself, when I don't see a loss or I see a gain, instead of being proud of my accomplishments and mini goals and mini successes, I feel like I failed or did something wrong or didn't work hard enough, etc, even though there are so many factors that effect the scale. So! I moved my scale out of the bathroom so that I won't be tempted to do a quick check in in the mornings and set myself up for failure. I know what my starting weight was. That's enough. I plan on weighing myself at the end of Alpha to check in on my progress and get a starting weight for Beta, and then I'll be putting the scale back into the closet until the end of Beta.
My December goals are going well... or I should say some of them because I don't remember them all right now. But I'm eating more veggies during the day! This is super important to me because I love fruits and aren't really a fan of veggiest, except at night with dinner, but this means I'm eating fruit carbs all day and veggies only at night. I wanted to even things out more. So celery and cherry tomatos were my veggies last week, and I still have 1 more serving of each left. This week I bought a couple of mini packs of carrots and hummus, and I need another veggie to do, I think maybe cucumber? I'm trying to not force myself to eat them, I want to want them, so I have to be careful with what I buy because there are some veggies that although I tolerate them, I don't really LIKE them, and I don't want to forget that because in the past that's lead to me throwing them out because they go bad.
Alrighty, I got to head off and get ready to go see my cousin in The Nutcracker! Can't wait to see it, I've never seen the full story before, so this will be my first time seeing it!
I hope you all have a Sparktastic Day, enjoy the rest of your weekend and remember - if you go out holiday shopping, bring your elbow and wrist guards, and think about a helmet! It's crazy out there! Hehehehe.